“From small beginnings come great things.” -Proverb

New blog!

http://mrinaye.wordpress.com/

But I need a better catchphrase.. right now I have:
m.rinaye
photographing your family heirlooms

It will work for now, but I need help! Any suggestions?

*mrt*

"Girls flirt with the dangerous types, they don't take them home. They marry a good guy!" --Jean Grey, X2

Sneak Peak of Lizzie & Doug's session yesterday... couldn't resist... more coming soon :).

*mrt*

“Computers have enabled people...."

".... to make more mistakes faster than almost any invention in history, with the possible exception of tequila and hand guns" -Mitch Ratcliffe
*Click on image to view larger and get the full effect.

“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” -C.S. Lewis

"I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert." -Demetri Martin

“There are no speed limits on the road to excellence.”

"Think you're escaping and run into yourself. Longest way round is the shortest way home."James Joyce

"My sons think it's a fireman's pole, but I forgot to cut a hole through the ground into the kitchen." ~Pamela Anderson

Megan: What are you doing Friday?

Maike: Umm... oh yeah, shooting firefighters.

Megan: Ooh, need help?

Maike: [laugh]... ha, yeah, you want to be my bag lady?

Megan: Sure, I could help carry things for you and then be like, 'Hey firefighter, need me to carry anything for you?'

Maike: [in a girly voice] 'like your hose?'

rofl.

[photo not my own: http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://i46.photobucket.com/albums/f119/Dana_Roxxi/01bd6292.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.gigagranadahills.com/2009/09/lafd-knocks-out-omelveny-park-fire.html&usg=__LPrgzriSSovdbeHwCqhG7wm4Cgs=&h=467&w=360&sz=31&hl=en&start=3&um=1&itbs=1&tbnid=QSpnaxeRKo8aXM:&tbnh=128&tbnw=99&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dhot%2Bfirefighter%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dfirefox-a%26sa%3DX%26rls%3Dorg.mozilla:en-US:official%26tbs%3Disch:1]

"Whatever good things we build end up building us." -Jim Rohn

“If you can't feed a hundred people, then just feed one.” -Mother Teresa quotes

This past Wednesday, I photographed an event for Gleaners Food Bank here in Indianapolis.

They are awesome, and it has been a pleasure to be able to photograph events for them.

Here are my three favorites from the event.

This one is fabulous, because there are 4 people cutting a tiny ribbon with giant scissors :). What's not to love about it! And look at their faces, all so intent on this silly traditional task. love it.

And this one I LOVE!!! All four of them are all smiley and real. Genuine. Totally dig it :).


And then the cake, with awesome lighting from Conseco guy Jay Jones :). I'm partial to it, personally, great leading lines, great flare, cool composition. They will probably not use it for anything, but dang it, I WILL display it on the blog for others to enjoy as well.

love,
*mrt*

"Great dancers are not great because of their technique; they are great because of their passion". ~ Martha Graham

“When Ruth Handler introduced Barbie in 1959, she didn't want any story attached to the doll whatsoever..."

"...because she wanted the girls to create it all out of their imaginations. Today, girls interact with story in a different way. They're used to watching television shows, they're used to having characters brought to life for them in dramatic ways.”
~Chris Byrne




*click and enlarge the picture to see the full wonderfulness of this picture :)

*mrt*

"Hawaii is not a state of mind, but a state of grace." -Paul Theroux

So I'm a slacker [smile].... but here are a few from Hawaii that I think are enjoyable...

*mrt*

"You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." -Jon Kabat-Zinn

"Sometimes in the morning, when it's a good surf, I go out there, and I don't feel like it's a bad world." Kary Mullis

“The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.” -Mark Twain

I think I'm hilarious :)

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." ~Mignon McLaughlin

"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder."

"The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves." -W. C. Fields

"I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty." -Imelda Marcos

Imelda Marcos is my hero [smile].

This is old, but a favorite.

*mrt*

ps: I might have already uploaded this image to this blog... sorry if it's a repeat :).

Bentley---ha ha.

So here is one, because it's just hilarious. For those of you that know my puppy, he hates hates HATES putting his sweater on... but additionally will start to shiver after being outside for 2 minutes.

Here is my vindication.

*mrt*

Winter Wonders

Slacking... clearly... so here's one. Another few to come soon :).

-mrt

"Each of us is something of a schizophrenic personality, tragically divided against ourselves." -Martin Luther King, Jr., Strength to Love, 1963

A self portrait.

I promise... this is like, the last proposal picture you will see.... but I love them all! So I will post this one. A self portrait on my proposal date.

love,
*maike rinaye*

“It is the nature of the strong heart, that like the palm tree it strives ever upwards when it is most burdened.” Sir Philip Sidney

Hawaii-on a hike down to this kick ass beach [called "hideaway beach"]. I love love LOVE this picture.

*maike rinaye*

“Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts.” -Albert Einstein

So today get's two [let's say we're making up for not posting an image on Sunday :].

They're not exquisite, but I love them.

The day after I told my work family that I got engaged, this is the desk I came to work at.

*maike rinaye*

“A man ought to carry himself in the world as an orange tree..."

“A man ought to carry himself in the world as an orange tree would if it could walk up and down in the garden, swinging perfume from every little censer it holds up to the air”
-Henry Ward Beecher (Liberal US Congregational minister, 1813-1887)





*maike rinaye*

Canal Photo

So this is not MY photography [smile]. But it's to cool not to post on here.

ps: My fiance' is amazing at planning surprises.

photo from Perry Reichanadter, wayneimagesblog.blogspot.com [the great fake "student photographer" we met at the canal].

"Candle light, moon light, star light, The brightest glow is from love light "– Grey Livingston

The boyfriend... oh wait... fiance' [smile]... doesn't think that I'll be able to keep this up, every day at least... so game on!

Additionally, he wants to know what's going to happen to this blog [smile]... So I think it's appropriate that I'm up going to try to post a new picture every day until the day we're married. It will be my last hurrah as an mtillen.

In any case, here is another image that Ashley assisted me in taking.

*maike rinaye*

He Put a Ring on It!

So, on Tuesday Whit said to me that one of her friends was posting a photograph-a-day for a year, and said I should do it as well. My response was: Sounds good and I've actually thought about it before, but it's already February. She said that I should start now anyway.

So, day three :).

Best Suprise EVER!

Check it:

A photograph

This is not my best work, but it turns out, that it is really freakin difficult to take photograph of your own left hand! Who knew?!

[helpful hint: click on the photograph to see a closer view]

*mrt*

ps: better image coming tomorrow :).

New Status....

Engaged [smile]... awesome [grin].

<><,
*maike rinaye*

Julie & Phil = Married!

Hey all,

So I thought that I would update you with some wedding images that a co-worker and I shot this past October down in Marco Island.

I'll post some on here later on [assuming I remember:], but if you have time and are interested, take a look:

go to www.seemyprints.com
type in: Platt
Click on the Platt-Williams Wedding
Type in: Platt [with a capital P, this is the password]
Type in your e-mail address

View awesomeness from Julie and Phil's amazingly beautiful beach front wedding.

Fabulous couple, can't wait to design their album!

*maike rinaye*

Mickey...

Damn it mouse! Get caught!!!!

Grrr... what I would like to leave on a nice little note, to the creeper mouse who has been sharing my living space, and helping himself to the puppy food/puppy treats/my shirt, and creeping around avoiding the damn traps for the last month.... Get caught, damn it!

*maike rinaye*

Confession...

So... when I'm bored, and on the internet... and have exhausted all other known/interesting web-sites I go to ebay, type in "wedding dress" and then list them from the highest to the lowest, just to see what the most expensive gowns look like.

We all have our different nerd-doms.

*maike rinaye*

"Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

25 Things About me:

1. I own between 35-40 pairs of shoes and I would say that I wear 70% of them with some sort of regularity.
2. I have traveled to 11 different countries [Mexico, Germany, Sicily, Italy, England, Wales, Scotland, France, Ireland, Spain, Egypt]
3. I am a photographer.
4. It takes me a very long time to hang things on the wall when I move somewhere new.
5. I can juggle.
6. I moved to Indianapolis on a whim, but it turned out to be a pretty damn good move.
7. I love playing scrabble, and even though I am not good at spelling, it’s very possible I will kick your ass if we play :].
8. I am a photoshop guru…. No, not a photoshop nerd [shakes head]… definitely a guru.
9. I am a middle child. Older sister, younger brother. I apparently had middle child syndrome before I had even started school [which is why I went to preschool and neither my sister or brother did].
10. My brother and I used to catch lizards together when we were younger. We also set traps for leprechauns on St. Patrick’s Day.
11. My sister and I shared a room until she was in High School. It was bright Barbie doll pink.
12. They say I look like my mother, who has always been fabulous looking, so I’m okay with that.
13. My dad once took me hunting with him when I was 14. I wasn’t actually hunting, instead he set me up in the tree with the camera; by the time he was done he came back for me and I was bored and whistling. He’s continued to make fun of me for that ever since.
14. When we lived in New Mexico, my favorite time of the day was when grandma came by to eat a cookie and have a cup of coffee before we went to school and she went to work.
15. I took belly dancing class this last fall [smile].
16. My favorite time of the year growing up was any of the holidays. Because our house was the best suited for large gatherings, we would have all of our family and friends over at our house. The kitchen was always full of the women cooking and talking, the dining room was full of the guys talking politics, and there were always a ton of kids running around inside and outside.
17. When I went to check in for college graduation, they handed me honors cords and I made them double check that they had given me the right pack. They had, and I proudly wore my surprise honors cords the entire rest of the day.
18. The very first thing I remember wanting to be when I grew up was an artist and a violinist. My mother told me that I might want to consider a back up plan because neither of those careers yielded much money. I then decided that I was going to be a lawyer. After a few months, however, we had to do a school project on what we wanted to be when we grew up, and I decided that art was still way cooler than law, and was able to interview one of the artists for Disney. It was so freakin sweet.
19. I played the violin for something like 8 years. I also played the cello for one year, and the piano for 3. I also played in the hand bell choir at church for probably 9 years. Whitney says this is a nerd thing to do… I disagree and think it was cool [smile]. I am currently taking my time to learn how to play the guitar.
20. I don’t ever remember being bored when we lived in New Mexico. My mother said, “boredom is a lack of thought”. She’s a very smart lady.
21. I was family schooled for one year, where we were home schooled all the boring classes, and then went to school with a bunch of kids in different grades to do the fun stuff like art, theatre, singing, etc. Mrs. Schultie’s class… that was awesome.
22. My favorite animal is a pig. Since I couldn’t have pet pigs growing up, I had guinea pigs. My first one was named Crystal, and when she died, I somehow convinced my mother to purchase this guinea pig we’d found in the paper named Catawba [meaning melon, because she was the freakin size of a melon]. She kept getting fatter and fatter, and one morning I woke up to find two babies in the cage with her. We called one Lucky [boy], and the other Lucy [the girl].
23. I like having my picture taken.
24. I live with three guys, and a boy dog, and a boy cat.
25. My favorite day of the week is Thursday.

“The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier”

Pain. Two nights ago I went to the gym for belly dancing, and afterwards decided to go downstairs to the weight machines. Good idea, all in all.... the problem [one I rarely REALLY complain about], is that there were too many good looking guys there. Go ahead, call me whatever you want to call me, but that's one of the perks of working out in the weight machine area. Boys are doing bench presses, and chin ups, and this crazy backwards sit up thing... and I hang out, do my thing and [smile]... watch :).

The problem is this... when there are a multitude of good looking boys, or when the one I frequently watch shows up halfway through my workout, I have a tendency to hang out/lollygag/do-machines-twice/stretch-more-often/etc..... today however, my gawking and dawdling is causing me pain. Wednesdays workout had me dawdling in all the worst ways... and as I find myself cringing whenever I climb up the stairs, I think "Is this really worth it"... and of course, smile to myself, because... why not [grin]. ... no pain, no gain, right?

*mrt*


"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, "If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down." ~Rita Rudner

“Thanksgiving was never meant to be shut up in a single day.” –Robert Caspar Lintner

Ah Thanksgiving. An event mostly characterized by getting together with family [of which, my blood family happen to be 600 to 1,300 miles away from me], turkey, and football.

So, since the first of the list was unachievable this Thanksgiving, my other family and I decided to scratch the rest of it and go with an alternative thanksgiving [smile].

Megs and I drove down to Whit’s place in B-town on Wednesday, went grocery shopping for food late that night and then stayed up watching episodes of Grey’s Anatomy.

Thursday we sorta slept in [which was really pathetic on all of our parts, ‘cause we were all up by 9:30], made breakfast, watched some of the parade [I love parades (smile)], took a walk to the grocery store, and after a few more episodes of Grey’s, started making the meal, which instead of Turkey, we decided to make Chinese!

We successfully made crab rangoon, orange chicken, and egg rolls. I leave the egg rolls for the end, ‘cause although they were successful, they were not necessarily as scrumptious as we might have liked them to be.

In any case, we continued the day watching more Grey’s, decorating X-mas ornaments, Meg’s sewed stuff, and yup… that’s about it. It was perfect. A great reminder of all the blessings I have to be thankful for.

*mrt*

“Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.”

Hooray we're moving... Oh crap, we're moving?!?!

It's true... my household family is moving to a new house downtown!

And ya know what that means?... Means that I get to have the dog!!!!! Hooray!

So now... he's a boy... [the white maltese]... and I have to pick out a name... and this is what I read on one naming site:
"It’s been estimated that your dog will be called by the name you’ll be choosing for it, over 30,000 times during the course of it’s life time. It’s also been estimated that 1 in 5 puppy owners want to change their dogs name in the first year they have it."

Clearly this is very important... so here's what I've come up with so far:

Blake [which Whitney and Shelly think is to human (rolls eyes)].
Bentley
Baxter
Benton
Bringham
Broderick
Botticelli
Daguerre
Atticus
Manet
Nikon [lol...that could work!]

So, you should help a sister out and tell me which ones you like, or any suggestions you have!

*mrt*

Bah...

Bad news... landlord has said no on the dog bit [rolls eyes]. Apparently something to do with the property owners being liable if the dog bites someone on their property [seriously?.. the dog I want will probably not get bigger than 5lbs... seriously?].

Anyway, he told me this about two weeks ago.. and so [smile]... because I am Maike, I will attempt to convince him I need the dog again tomorrow. I might not have any luck, but we'll see what a second shot will do for me [shrug]. If I don't get a dog, I think I might buy a new bed [nod]... I'm not sure it will fit into my room, but we'll see.

*mrt*

"Children are for people who can't have dogs."

So, currently considering getting a dog... [nod] yup. I know, it's a lot of responsibility, you cann't travel the same, blah blah blah. I know! But did you know that it's been proven that dog owners are healthier and live longer?! So really, purchasing a dog, is going to make me a healthier human being [smile]

So first up is the Maltese puppy. He'd be a boy, and I'd get him at like 10 weeks old probably. I'd have to potty train him, and train him for other things too, but that could be a good thing, ya know? My friend Bonni's mother's dog just had puppies, so it's from a friend, not a puppy mill or anything like that. I'm pretty sure he'd come with papers [if I wanted them], and he's just so freakin adorable!!!



Second up, the Pomeranian. Also super cute, she is 2 years old and a friend who's mother is a breeder [I guess], sold this girl and then the owners brought her back for some reason. She hung out with us at work last week, and she's a little nutso at first, but she's super friendly and excited about life in general [smile]. She's not fixed, and does not have papers, but we could get some for a fee [of course].



So I've been researching about poms and malts... I think the malt might be more my style, but I think we're going to puppy sit the pom for a weekend here soon and see how it goes [shrug]... we'll see.

I don't have time now, but will put up the information I found on both breeds soon.

*mrt*

"The Grand essentials of happiness are:...."

"The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for."
-Allan K. Chalmers

Whitney loves the expression "love extravagantly".... But how does one love better each day? We ended house church tonight talking about it... and attempting to figure out how to implement it into our lives in the next week.... I think we sometimes convince ourselves we don't have time to make any more of a difference than we are already doing. And that we don't have time to figure out how to love people better... or that we're doing an okay job at it, because we're generally nice to people. But I don't really think is what Jesus was telling us to do when he said to love. Being nice and loving are different.

Anyway, I'm thinking about it... and perhaps will do an update post when I have come up with something.

*mrt*

"A man dies ... only a few circles in the water prove that he was ever there...."

"A man dies ... only a few circles in the water prove that he was ever there. And even they quickly disappear. And when they're gone, he's forgotten, without a trace, as if he'd never even existed. And that's all."
-WOLFGANG BORCHERT

Sunday I spent a good couple of hours in the largest cemetery in Indianapolis. It’s actually, probably the largest in Indiana… in any case, Crown Hill Cemetery, it’s huge.

I went for the sheer purpose of photographing statues of Mary, angels, Jesus… just statues in general really. I actually have this idea/project that I’m thinking through and working on here and there.

So, I drive in, and… although I don’t believe necessarily that I found the cemetery at 1 in the afternoon to be “creepy”… there is just something that’s eerie about cemeteries, no matter what time of day it is. I also felt silly, because I was coming for a purpose not having to do with the deceased at all. It was more like a scavenger hunt. I would see across the field if tombstones, a statue, and come up on it, photograph it from all angels, and then in the distance see another one that looked equally as fascinating and head off in it’s direction.

One of the first statues I found was one of Mary, holding onto a cross. It turns out it was actually pretty popular because I seemed to find new versions of the same thing throughout my time in the cemetery, perhaps holding the cross on the other shoulder, or a different size, but a popular idea nonetheless.

I got my camera all set, and start taking every angel of this statue, when I spy on the left side of the cross, a lump of some sort. Upon closer inspection, I find the left over shell of a cicada clinging to the cross. Because I have another project going on, my first thought was “fabulous!”…. but as I reflected on it later walking around and realizing exactly what I was walking around in, and watching people drop off flowers to graves of their deceased, I thought how appropriate it was.

The cicada, when it sheds its shell does not die instead it just moves on to a different stage of life. But much like a cicada who leaves its mark, the cemetery was in many ways the same thing. The statues, and tombstones they were all put up in remembrance of an individual who has passed away. Their bodies might still be there, but their soul, and their beings are no longer located with their shells. They have moved on to different stages. Depending on what you believe, that could be heaven, hell, or perhaps they just cease to exist, in which case my cicada analogy does nothing for you. Inevitably though, the cicada shell is broken or eaten or disintegrates. And then there is nothing.

Hmm… not a perfect analogy, but [shrug]… I’m not a writer, so it doesn’t have to be perfect [smile].

*mrt*

“All is Fair in Love and War”… true or false?

I just finished watching How To Loose A Guy In 10 Days, for probably the hundredth time. And it’s still one of my all time favorites.

This time watching it though, there was a distinct moment of realization in the movie that stood out to me. The moment happened when Andie was visiting Ben’s family…. And his mom leaned in to give her a hug, As she leaned in, she said something to the effect of “What other girlfriends? You’re the first girl Ben has ever brought home! Now don’t you go break his heart.” It was that moment Andie realized she wasn’t playing some sort of game. She was involved in someone’s life. There was a real live person at the receiving end of her actions. A real person that she had the power to love or hate, to make laugh or make cry, to affect in a real way.

At least as real as tv shows and movies go [smile].

It just got me thinking, ya know? I don’t really have a goal with this post, or a central idea. Except that, I think we forget about that part sometimes, ya know? We either treat it like a game, the do’s and do-not’s… or we get so caught up in what we’re feeling and thinking and going through that we forget there is more than just ‘me’ involved in the “couple”… and it’s important to not only realize there are two peoples actions and feelings involved… but to also listen to what the other person has to say, and respond in a way which recognizes them as real human beings with feelings and thoughts.

Anyway [smile]. Great movie… between that and Greys re-runs today, I got minimal done… but it was totally worth it.

*mrt*

Was that a gun shot?

Fireworks should NOT be allowed in the ghetto... really.

laundry....

I know why I never do laundry all in the same day... it is most definitely NOT because I do not have time for it all... and it is definitely NOT because I have better things to do... It is indeed because when I do ALL of my laundry in one day, it does NOT fit in the drawers it is supposed to occupy [smile].

Random thought for the day of laundry [smile].

*mrt*

Why...

Why is it always the boys that you DON'T want to call who will relentlessly call you, but the guys you DO want to call, never do?

Politics, n: [Poly "many" + tics "blood-sucking parasites"] ~Larry Hardiman

Okay, so I want everyone to take note… this blog is monumental in my blogging history, because anyone that knows me, or has read my previous blogs, knows that I RARELY voice my opinions about politics in real life, and NEVER in a blog… but there’s a first for everything right.

So I’ve been trying to be better informed about presidential candidates/what matters/what the best way to vote is/what the hell I should be looking for in a good presidential candidate/blah/blah/blah. And it’s all hella confusing, but that’s why I’m attempting to learn more, right? To broaden my horizons, to expand my working knowledge about a subject that is far from my understanding.

So in my researching/thinking/whatevering about the presidential campaign, I think I have become an Obama supporter. Which is interesting, because I am very much for women’s rights, and seeing women succeed in our country and rise to equality. But when it comes to the presidency, I want the first woman elected president to kick ass. And, although Hillary is cool and all [shrug]… I don’t think she can do it. She’s riding on Bill’s wave and she’s sort of a has been [shrug]. I don’t really care if Obama has less experience, blah blah blah… I think in some cases, less experience is better. It’s fresh. I think sometimes people are afraid of the less experienced because they have so many new ideas to try and new concepts, but in the end… I think that you can pull ahead to the front by embracing the new ideas. There’s evidence to both support and condemn that idea, of course, but [shrug]… I’d much rather take a risk and do something out of the ordinary to create a monumental change than to continue to play it safe and persist in mediocrity.

There ya go. My first political blog posting… I know, it’s like two paragraphs, whop-de-do. [smile].

*mrt*

Cat...

Every time the cat jumps off the bed, he slides on the wood floor [laugh]. Awesome.

My Hoes...

Seriously... [smile]... I'm brilliant/hilarious!

*mrt*

Not Just Tourists...

I’m not sure any kind of blog posting will fully elucidate our experience in Egypt, but I also think that it’s probably important for me to try [smile]. Because it was unlike any other traveling experience that I have had. Instead of simply summarizing our trip, however, I think I will attempt to share snippets of experiences and moments in a more creative writing style. But, since we all know it has almost been two years since I’ve been in the class room, and even then, as an art major, definitely not an English anything, it might take me a little longer to successfully express and illustrate what I wish to explain.


Not Just Tourists…

London, New York, Berlin, Chicago, Paris… most globe trotters, when visiting these grandiose cities, have found it necessary, at some point in their short jaunts around the city, to use public transport… more specifically, the metro system. The El, the Tube, the Metro…. Whatever the city people call it, each is an experience of its own. You can learn a huge amount about the culture that you are in and how the people interact, the speed of their life, and the things they value as important in life in the car of the train that moves through/under/over the city.

London was my first. And it terrified me at the beginning. It took me a good long time to understand the system and not get trampled when I was lollygagging/attempting to figure out where the hell I was and where the hell I wanted to be. I learned a lot there.

In London, if you ride the Tube before 10am, you will find passengers with their faces buried in tabloids, catching up on gossip and news that they will inevitably converse with co-workers about later. There was one morning I was riding the tube to the art museum, and in a car full of probably 30 people, I was literally the only one without a tabloid.

If you ride the Metro in Paris from the airport into the center of the city, there is a decent chance that you will be entertained by a man playing an accordion, which alone is not a sexy instrument, but paired with the romantic French language, makes you feel like you’re playing a role in a movie. You should be sitting next to the man of your dreams, and cuddling up next to him as the musician sings all your cares away and you are swept up in the romance of being in love [smile].

In Germany, waiting for the Metro initially, seeing the other wobbly trains, you wonder if it is really such a good idea to use this form of transportation, and you consider exactly how long it might take you to walk to your destination instead. But you get on the coach, because you have bought the ticket already, or at least you hope that is what you purchased from the machine outside the station. People smile at you on this train, and for us an old woman strikes up a conversation about my backpack, in German of course. We smile back and shrug saying one word to explain: “English?” And to our surprise, she starts chatting with us in English before we arrive safely to our destination.

New York is full of the hustle and bustle of the city. People are amazing to watch, and the interactions of the real New Yorkers are classic. While waiting for the train someone will yell out, in the traditional I’m-a-loud-New-Yorker-manner, “Hey, Uncle Frank, where’ve you been? We’ve been looking all over for you!” and then laugh. The tourists, of course, curious to see l what the hell he is talking about, sneak a peak in the direction he’s yelling at, only to find a rat the size of a loaf of bread, attempting to scurry his fat ass around the tracks.

Up until this past month, although different, there has been a stream of similarities in how people interact with us, the tourists, in the car of a metro train. They have been pleasant, at best, and at worst, ignored us completely. In Cairo, however, it was nothing like either extreme.

We are good at traveling. We find our way, we’re not afraid to ask questions when we need to, we jump in, we embarrass ourselves occasionally, we take chances, we get lost, we find ourselves… we always generally figure things out. It was mostly the same in our first day in Egypt; after finding breakfast, we found the metro station, bought tickets, and waited for the train to come to take us into downtown for our first day of sightseeing in the city. As we casually chatted to kill time while the train made its way to our stop, the huge differences of our cultures was, although apparent, not the most immediate pressing matter of the day. Thinking nothing different than any other metro, we jumped in and continued our chatting for only a few seconds before we went silent in new realizations of our present audience.

Now, I have been stared at before, I’m tall, and blonde and in different countries/situations people gawk at that sort of thing because its apparently rare everywhere except the US. But never have I unintentionally commanded the attention of an entire train car full of passengers. We weren’t even doing anything mildly entertaining, or embarrassing! We weren’t even in culturally inappropriate attire! And yet, looking around, every single person, man and woman and child was watching us. Not just because we were the tourists on the train speaking a different language. No, it was because we were white, women, non-Muslim, hair exposed, Westerners. Never have I felt more judged. Never have I felt so defenseless.

I remember leaning over to Whit and saying “It’s a damn good thing you can’t stare holes in people.” Juli is used to it. The staring. She is one of only five white people in her city. I am not used to it, and I wonder if I ever could be.

As we went through the trip, and traveled on the Metro a handful of other times, I began to figure out exactly what it was that made me feel so unarmed. Here at home, if someone is staring at you, first of all, it is not everyone, and most times when you look back at them, they almost immediately look away; embarrassed for being caught. They might be judging you, or disappointed with the ‘youth of today’, or who-knows-what, but generally when you make eye contact, they look away. Different situation same result; you catch someone staring at you because he thinks you’re attractive. You make eye contact and he either turns away immediately, or flirts with the idea, smiles and then turns away.

When caught or stared back at, we turn away. That is what we are taught. I remember my mother telling me in church not to stare at the old person in front of me with a walker, or the man who was in a wheelchair. In grade school we were vicious with our different phrases to deter staring: “take a picture it lasts longer,” “What, do you have a staring problem!,” “Mind your own business!,” “Mom, tell Erik to stop staring at me!”. We don’t stare, or at least we’re not supposed to. Especially if it is someone who looks different, talks different or acts different than we do.

In the Cairo Metro, they did not turn away. It did not matter how hard you looked back at them, or the different kinds of looks you gave them, they stared and stared and stared.

It was not this bad all over, but I think it was especially bad on the Metro because we were in such a small place with so many people. A piece of advice one woman gave us, was that a smile will go a long way in Egypt [it actually said something like this in the guidebook as well]. It was good advice and I think there is a huge amount of truth to it.

We read in our tour book later, that there are two cars for women and children only on every Metro train. We started using them halfway through the trip, and there was a huge difference. We were still stared at, but in a more curious way. They smiled when they were caught, if they were staring at all. We were all equal. Different, but equal.

Moral of the story, if you are a woman and find yourself in Cairo, traveling with only other women… ride the women only coach on the Metro.

wow...

Less than a week, and I will be walking on Egyptian land... yikes! How exciting... That's all [smile].

Part 2 -perfection?... doubtful

The perfect boy? Damn, we all know the perfect boy or the perfect girl does not exist. But if he did, for me, he’s a mix of boy 1 and 2. I find myself continually going after the boy 2’s… and they continually let me down. But dang it all, the boy 1’s are so hard to find [I’m convinced that like, 90% of these boys were snatched up while we were in college by the husband-hunters]. Then, if you do somehow end up with a boy 1, they are difficult to read. You can’t tell if boy 1 really thinks that you are an awesome time, he’s so busy playing by the rules, and giving you space so that if you do reject him, he can still hold his head high. The boy 2’s give you instant gratification. They tell you that you are beautiful, and they’re not afraid of starting something they can’t finish… they do that all the freakin time! [smile]. Oh the good guys though.. they are slow, and difficult to understand, but they are genuine. And they want to protect you, not in the macho “I-am-He-man” sort of way, but in the “Your heart and your feelings are important. I don’t want to get you off track with what your goals are”.

In the end, I need a guy who is going to protect me when I can’t protect myself. And a guy who is going to make decisions based on the future. As far as relationships go, that’s what I want. I want to look towards the future, and I do look towards the future… but I don’t want to be the only one that’s looking, planning and thinking about it. In some ways, I am the Girl 2 [if we apply it to females]. I moved away from my family because I can do it by myself, I make irrational decisions and carpe the diem! I don’t always think about the consequences until I have to figure out damage control. But in other ways, I am totally the Girl 1. I’m a planner, I look at the future, I make goals, I achieve goals, I know what I am doing this Friday night. And although I love risks, I am sometimes very afraid of failing, even though I know I have to risk it in order to be true to me.

The search for the perfect boy continues.

I wish it was black and white…. I can’t just call Boy 1 the good one that we should all be searching for, and I can’t call Boy 2 the bad one and the one to stay away from. That would be ridiculous… [although I realize that is what I lean towards in this post and last]. There are to many layers of grey to a person. There are to many other elements that matter in a relationship besides the things I’ve listed here. And I know that, but sometimes… I crave the black and white, just so that I can know which I need to hold at arms length because in the end they might be bad for me… stupid, because either could easily be bad for me… likewise either could be really good to me. The façade and who they appear to be, is not always truth. Hmmm… screw black and white… what I really want is a neon sign above their heads that just tells me ‘this guy is good for you!’ or ‘no, not a good match’.

That would be ideal [smile].

Part 1 on Theorizing About Boys…

I’ve been thinking a lot about boys, and theorizing [smile]. Because that’s what I love to waste my time doing, and if I find people to theorize with me, and delve into attempting to understand the human mind, particularly the male mind, then I thrive on analyzing and conjecturizing why we do the things we do.

Most recently, I have decided that there is a foundational difference between the smart guys and the… well, I don’t want to say ‘stupid’ boys, because really, that can apply to all boys, but more the… well, the less educated, less driven to succeed, less goal oriented, and less motivated men in the world… I think that about covers it.

The first group of guys… which I refer to as the ‘smart’ guys are the guys with the education, and the good job. The boys that are financially secure, and the boys who make decisions not based on how they FEEL, or what looks good right now, but rather on what will be the lasting results of their decisions. Now, granted, they are still boys, and humans, so they are still allowed to make irrational decisions, but in general… their decisions are calculated on what they will gain and what they will lose and if the risk is worth it. Additionally, they don’t really explore areas, which they could possibly fail at. They stay in the safe zone. They take the jobs where they will thrive and appear to be the big shot in the office. They don’t take the risk of applying for the job they are under-qualified for, and they stay near their family because it’s safe there, and if the rest of the world is giving them the finger, they will always be able to find support through their family.

Now the second group of guys… the opposite of the ‘smart’ guys. They move away from their family, not necessarily because they don’t like their family, but they have the need to do things on their own, even if it means that they move to a different city with no money and huge credit card debt. These boys never truly finish anything; from, completing a drawing, saving money to purchase a car, taking planned out trips… they have ideas where “Yeah, that’d be kinda cool” but there’s never any follow through. These boys are last minute, they have no idea on Tuesday what their plans will be for Friday or Saturday, and if you try to suggest making plans, they will often counter with “Well, why don’t we just see what we feel like when we get to Friday”. They apply for jobs that they could really suck at, or have no experience in whatsoever. They take chances, and are not afraid to be at the bottom of the totem pole. They don’t attempt to live up to anyone’s expectations but their own. And their own expectations are pretty low: get to work everyday [not necessarily on time], remember to pay the bills, meet up with so-and-so at the gym to make our muscles bigger and better.

Now here is where my theorizing comes in… when it comes to girls, these two different kinds of guys are, obviously, so different. The thing is though, that we girls, would like to mesh the two together.

For example, the ‘smart’ boys will only ask a girl out if he already knows she will say yes. He’s petrified of a blind date. Boy 2 thinks a blind date is thrilling and would break all the rules and call the girl up the day he’d like to meet up with her to see if she’d like to hang out and do something. And, if he saw a girl that was cute, he would ask for her number and see if she wanted to get something to drink… no reservations at all. Boy 1 would try to become friends with the girl first, and never ask her out the first time he met her. This is where that whole vision comes in; boy 1 [smart boy], does almost everything right now, for what is to be in the future, he’s not going to go out with a girl if he doesn’t think it has a chance to work, or if logistically it doesn’t seem possible [distance, schedules, life goals, etc.], boy 2, however, sees things in the here and now… and maybe later tonight [smile]. He’s thinking “this girl is hot, and if I can make-out with her tonight, score!” The thought of tomorrow morning does not even occur to him.

--so this is the beginning more to come later--

Stained Glass...

So, last week sometime I decided it was about time that I bought some of the rain guard for the windshield of my car, right… so I go and get this different brand than what my father usually has because it says that it also helps sleet ball up and fly off the window as well as snow AND helps to ease the scraping off of frost in the morning as well [awesome, right?]. So tonight, I finally get the time [while it’s not dark and scary outside] to put it on. I follow the directions [which are stupid and vague… seriously… how much is using this gel crap ‘sparingly’?!… is that like, toothpaste amount for the entire front windshield or are we talking like, a glob of ketchup on a hotdog the correct amount?]. Anyway, I finish the widows I do not want to scrape in the morning, and then I go hang out with the girls for dinner/grey’s night at Megans.

When I get back in the car to come home, I notice it immediately. I clearly have done something incorrect or have used too much goop or something, because instead of a crystal clear view of the road in front of me, I have skewed lights that swirl and small circles overlapping [that was exactly what I was supposed to do by the way].

On the ride home [yes, I drove home without fixing it], I started thinking about how this is sometimes how it feels experiencing life. You are in the driver’s seat of this smooth ride, and although you see the generalities of everything going on around you… sometimes the glass you are looking through skews what you are looking at. In my case, things don’t look bad, but really beautiful with the swirls twisting the light and creating a sort of stained glass window-look. It’s gorgeous. It’s funny though, because… it really is what you see, but it’s not what is really there. It’s not like I have made up the swirl effect; between me and reality is this pane that has distorted the legitimate world.

Anyway, got me thinking and analogizing… I’m good at that. Perhaps not as good at John [smile]… but I am good at it. I sometimes wonder if we need to have that pane of glass between us and reality. For me, tonight, it made my reality romantic, beautiful and interesting. Sometimes I think I need that. The rose colored glasses that make everything seem a little more exciting than they actually are [shrug].

“Do not expect the world to look bright, if you habitually wear gray-brown glasses.”- Charles W. Eliot

Further consideration...

Upon further consideration... it appears that my wardrobe also includes more grey. Hmm...

No longer the zebra...

With the exception of my wardrobe... life is becoming less and less black and white.

hmph...

Tonight it took me 15 minutes to FIND the air mattress and then another 15 minutes to find the air pump... and two, yes TWO minutes to air it up [rolls eyes].

adulthood...sheesh.

So for the most part, I have minimal problems making decisions, but I’m realizing… sometimes, it just feels so good to explain your situation to someone and get their opinion, which will either affirm that you are right, or challenge you and help you realize where you are not right.

In this revelation, however, I become more and more jealous of people who have significant others [sigh]. Not that significant others are like, the answer to all the problems, but… to be working as a team and for him/her to know you and know what your goals are and to assist you in making the best decisions… [shrug] that would be helpful sometimes!... that would be helpful a LOT of times! Especially with crazy big decisions which you will be paying off for years [literally and/or figuratively]!

For those that don’t know, I’m in the market for a new car. And I think I figured out exactly what I want, but I find myself desperately wanting help in the actual DOING it. Like, getting the price that I want [which… what is the price I want anyway? (shrug)] I feel like I have been good at doing the research and whatnot for the car I want… but man, I just want help now! I want someone else to tell me “you should ask for this much below sticker”…. No, that’s a lie. What I really want is a guy to magically show up and say “Maike, let me do this for you. I’ll do all the talking and get you the best deal and exactly what you want, you sit there and sign the papers and I’ll take care of you.” Why can’t that happen!?

Earlier I was thinking about how, if I’m being completely honest, although I desperately want a dog, I’m not quite sure if I’m ready to make the sort of sacrifices you have to in order to have a good/happy dog [shrug]. And then I started thinking about guys, and how it’s in some ways similar. I’m not sure I’m ready to make the sacrifices needed for a GOOD relationship. I would love to be in one now, but… [shrug]… you do have to be at least a little sacrificial when you get into a relationship!

But I wonder… are we ever really ready? And how much of me saying that I’m not really ready is because I’m trying to make myself feel better for not having a significant guy in my life yet? In some ways I think I might be trying to convince the people around me that I’m not single because there is something wrong with me but rather, I am not single by CHOICE.. because I’m not “ready”…. [laugh]. Now I think I’m just talking in circles. But I wonder. [nod]. [shrug]. I’ve been thinking a lot about that sort of thing lately. The feelings and how things work out and where you have to be in life for them to work out the best.. and is there right and wrong when it comes to that stuff, and can you develop a strong relationship built on chemistry or does the foundation have to be something more concrete?... hmmm.. [shrug]. I have no answers. Someday perhaps. Until then, I will continue to speculate and hypothesize [smile].

That’s all I have for right now… the jeep is dead at the moment. I’m praying that it is the stupid battery [‘cause that, at least, is under warranty]… but if it’s the alternator, I just hope that I can get it fixed asap for cheap [sigh]. Stupid adult problems that I have to fix by myself! [sigh again]….

Oh well [rolls eyes]. Who knew being an adult was so difficult!? When I was little, I pictured something completely different. I imagined myself graduating High School, NOT going to college [“what a waste of time! I could be making $$ instead!” (silly elementary-Maike)], getting a great job doing who knows what [that might not have even entered my fairytail, actually, I might have gone straight from high school to getting married!]. Finding Mr. Right immediately [after, of course, dating a trillion good looking guys in high school, because what else do you do in high school?]. Driving a pink convertible [just like Barbie], and living in Hawaii with my best friend in an 8 story building where the first floor was completely inhabited by our pet dogs [I’m not sure where I left the husband… on the mainland to make our money (shrug)].

[shakes head]. There are many times where I really wish my dreamed up adulthood could be true, because of all the details I missed: bills, decisions, emotions, challenges, etc…. But when it comes down to it… this life… this semi-adulthood that I’m living right now… even with the challenges, I wouldn’t change it at all. I’m living, I’m learning, I’m growing, and although it sometimes stresses me out, and makes me miserable, I love it.

Anyway [smile]. That’s all for tonight. Perhaps later this week I will once again be inspired to write on the blog [we’ll see what kind of other tasks I’m avoiding throughout the week (smile)].

<><,
*maike rinaye*


ps: I'm gonig to Egypt after Christmas, how awesome is that?! And I get to meet up with Juilanne! ALSO fantastic [smile]. i'm one lucky girl... [nod]... I realize.

Goals...

Goals…

Have I written about goals before? Now that I’m typing it all out, it’s sounding familiar [in the general sense], but apparently I need to remind myself every now and then, so I suppose it’s good for me [shrug].. I guess.

My life some days seems to be dictated by my goals. For example, today’s goal was to fold all my laundry and get it into the appropriate drawers [success!]. I also have this weeks goals though: paint the last two freakin chairs that go with my dinning room set and touch up the coffee table, hang stupid pole in my closet successfully, then catch up on sleep [if there is time]. Beyond that, I have even more goals... I have goals for this month, and goals for before winter hits, and goals for before the new year. I have everything from small goals like “call the insurance people to find out how much I will have to pay if I get the new car”, to hugely vague goals like “be a better artist, practice more, be more disciplined”.

But I’m finding…. Meeting your goals is hard, especially when you are working 40+ hours a week and attempting to make a social life for yourself while still getting enough sleep to be healthy, carpe-ing the diem, paying bills, going to the grocery store.. sheesh.. generally I really love being grown up and on my own… But some days [shakes head]. There never seems to be enough hours in the day for me to do anything really really well. Like my art, I want to do it really well, from concept to technique to presentation. I want it all to be perfect and flawless… but I’m slow! I sometimes just wish I could have like, 2 more hours each day to live more of the life that I want/need to live.

[shrug]. My goal for this fall and winter is to research graduate schools again, this time I think for art history. I’m a bit scared; I’m not going to lie. Rejection sucks, and I am all about trying again and doing it better and that God has a master plan for why things turn out the way they do. But man, hearing [or reading] that they don’t think that you have enough of what they’re looking for [sigh]… suck. And I’m totally the kind of girl who believes them, not so that it debilitates me, but so that it empowers me to do better in order to prove them wrong. But I would rather not have to prove them wrong, I would rather be able to be strong from the beginning so that there was no reason for them to say no. Anyway, I’m trying to decide what that looks like for me… Do I need to study more art? Do I need to be book smart about it? Do I need to have a working knowledge about contemporary art? Should I take a class next semester to keep my feet wet? Hmph… But this goes back to my timing issues... when do I do all this? I know I can do it, but [sigh]... sometimes, it just takes a while in order to really convince yourself that they are wrong and that you will kick ass when they accept you into their program.

My two passions: art & dance. I feel like I can’t successfully do both as good as I want to. I can do both okay, or I can pick one and really give it all I’ve got to become good at it. Darn you time! Darn you! For today, and this season… I choose art. Which means I choose to become self disciplined, self motivated and successful… [nod]. Yes, that is what I will do this season.

So to start that out, here are two pieces that I am working on/working with/exploring.

Enjoy,

*maike rinaye*

So much in such a little time...wow :)

I’ve known it was coming for a while… a long while… but man, now that it’s here… it sux. Let me see if I can paint you an accurate [slightly hyperbolic] picture. I move to Indy, thinking this is a year-long experience where I grow, mature, learn, gain more experience, and move on. I, by some miracle, come across an amazing job that is absolutely perfect that I love and decide that one year just isn’t enough for me. I build relationships, we have our own little “family” both in our apartment girls [the three of us] and in our extended vista family. It’s comfortable, real, safe and fulfilling. Our family is genuine and amazing when it comes to supporting each other. When bad things happen, we reach out to make them better. When good things happen, we go out and celebrate! We meet each other’s needs since we are all nomad-ish individuals who are struggling to figure out where we belong in this crazy whacked-out world. And in the struggle, we all find where we are going this year… Neubia is off to law school, exactly where she needs to be… Whit is off to grad school doing professor stuff… Liz has found another position as a vista in Lafayette… Ryan is going to do grad school back home closer to the biological family…. Bobbie has accepted/started full time work at Horizon House… Megan is going back to school for graduate studies. And me… although it doesn’t seem like I am going anywhere… I’m happy to be staying in Indy and doing what I’m doing… Because I know it’s where I belong right now.

But, for the next month, this also leaves me in a difficult spot. I am sitting at home right now… alone. Although I know it’s something I will eventually get used to and figure out… it’s always hard at first. [sigh]… alone is really hard for me. I try to think back to see if it always has been, but I’m not sure. I love people, even if we are just sitting in the same room together, it makes me feel better than sitting in a room by myself. And, it’s just such a change anyway, going from our “family” who would call if I didn’t come home at a decent hour…. And who would always be there for the random adventure to the ghetto Kroger, or to Wal-Mart, or for a walk down by the canal…. To not having anyone expecting me at home, and not having anyone to randomly be like, “Hey, do you want to go for a walk in the park with me before it gets dark?”

[sigh]… That and the realization that this change is a pre-curser to how life is going to continue… is hard. Like the seasons, my friends will come and go, as well as roommates and housing arrangements, etc… Things will never be like they were this past year…. Which is both a thrilling thought [because I’m addicted to change], and a very gloomy idea because of the kinds of connections we have made and the kind of love that has been expressed in so many ways between all of us.

I thank God for the ease into real life. For not only providing quality friends while I was in college, but then to also provide such a wonderful, amazing group of individuals in my year after college. Awesome. I feel blessed [even if almost all of them are leaving the city].

Nonetheless, my painting ends with me, sitting in a dark living room, dinner dishes on the floor beside me, remembering the good times from the past year and wondering what the future holds. Crazy salsa music in the background [as always], I find myself thinking life is hard and I don’t want to be an adult today… Instead, I just want to curl up, look at pictures and remember… but in my remembering, I also know that the pursuit of change is what brought me here to begin with, and that although I struggle, I will push through, succeed and continue to love and be loved…. And things will be okay.

<><,
*maike rinaye*

This is why we're hott [smile]...

I Am That Nosey Neighbor

We used to joke about my stalking abilities… let’s not lie…. I used to brag about my acquired stealthy skills watching people and not being detected.

Freshman year in college was the ‘it’ year for stalking. It didn’t help that we had the perfect digs for it; our room faced into the commons area and people were always doing something funny/entertaining/disgusting on the porch or on the designated “make-out-table” or somewhere between the two. And if that wasn’t bad enough, after like a month into our fall semester my roommate brought a pair of binoculars back to the dorms for us. Not only did we have the perfect view from the center of the third floor in Smith Hall, but we were operational with equipment! [smile]. Add that to the fact that my clothing freshman year was predominantly black and you can see why I became so damn good at stalking [smile].

The climax of my stalking days, however, was the end of freshman year when a friend and I actually snuck into another friends room [who was out of town for the weekend] to spy on the boy I had the biggest crush on [Scottie-The-Hottie, that unfortunately did not even know I existed… and ended up being a pot-head (sigh) I pick winners guys]. It was nuttso… and not only was it crazy, but it was to spy on him flirting & eventually making out with another girl [who we fondly referred to as Melificent].

I’m pretty convinced my actual physical stalking days were over after that little episode. But I then came into something much more informational. I discovered Google and facebook, which thus led into a state of learning how to be a better more knowledgeable stalker…. Information at your fingertips! On top of that, I was trained to be a reference librarian senior year, which for some of you means being uninteresting, full of useless information on research tools, and directing you to the proper classroom when you didn’t really pay attention last week when the professor gave you the details. Additionally, I’m not going to lie, it sounds pretty nerdy and boring. However, this was a great tool for understanding the basics for research…. more than just books and papers.

All this to say, that although there is no one here in Indy that I really feel the need to stalk, I am still, at the heart of it all, that person who wants to know other peoples business. If there is a domestic disturbance in our parking lot, I sure am going to get my cup and press it on the wall hoping that I can hear whatever it is they are yelling about or make up an excuse to go back to my car for something [as long as I’m not putting myself in danger of course]…. And if there are cops in our back yard talking to our useless landlord, heck yeah I’m going to open the window and try to ease drop. And on nights like tonight, where there are 4 cop cars in our parking lot and then a fire truck and an ambulance that pull in too, I’m going to shut the lights off in my room, open the window wider, whisper to the roommates that there’s something going on and sit with them waiting for what’s about to happen, speculating about what the story is.

Although my stalking days are mostly over, that thing inside me that wants to know is still there. I try not to make it to obvious, but at the end of the day, when the lights are out but there are still flashing red and blues in the parking lot…. I am most definately that nosey neighbor.

<><,
*maike rinaye*

Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very;" your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. ~Mark Twain

I have been doing a lot of writing lately. For numerous reasons really…. First there is that whole thing where the roomies were gone for 4 days and so that left me with hmm… myself, my phone, my computer, a good book and the television [shrug]. But then there’s also this blast throat thing that is attacking my esophagus and creating the desire to stay silent even when people are around.

Additionally, the lack of roommates around the apartment has given me a large amount of time to think. And as a result, I have written some very real and important letters the past week or so…. Trying to solve problems, encourage good decisions, and be inspired by how great God is.

Now, I don’t profess to be a genius. Far from it, actually, but I keep hearing about situations where… I have to admit, I think to myself “Am I really THAT much smarter than you?” Now, some of you might think you know what I’m talking about, and for the others of you, I’d rather just keep it vague. But I keep coming across people who I really love, and admire at times, and respect, and then I hear about something they did, and I think, “What is the matter with you? You are smart, probably smarter than me, and yet you really screwed that up somehow!” [shakes head]. And I’m not talking about one specific instance, but rather a collection of them over the past few months. I guess what it comes down to though, is that [shrug], we’re all humans and make mistakes. And the instances that I’m talking about are all with 20-somethings… so we’re young and so we’re probably making more mistakes.

But I get stuck on that whole “we’re young” thing. Do we really make that many more mistakes than older adults? Or do we just care more about each other and our decisions now? Or do we just not hide our mistakes as well? [raises one eyebrow]. Interesting. That could be worth some more thought.

But I wonder, how much we do learn from our mistakes? And what does it take to learn from them? Like, in college… it took me a while to figure out that I had to spend more than the night before studying for a test if I wanted to actually pass it. Yet, it took me little time to figure out that I could sleep in until 15 min. before class and still make it on time and look presentable [hey, I didn’t look any worse than the other crazies that signed up for those early-ass classes]. Maybe it has to do with learning what we WANT to learn, and denying the situations that cramp what we want to do. That sux. Because although I can say I have an impeccable 20 minute [or less] morning routine that was created and perfected in college, there is a lot more to be said about how my future will be molded by the lessons I absorbed in class and by studying long nights for those tests. A lot more will stick with me and make an impression on my life from the lessons that took me longer to learn, and the lessons that I was perhaps, not as inclined to WANT to learn.

[Shrug], I don’t know. I’m searching for answers and reasons as to why because I want there to be some other reason why we’re stupid. I don’t want the answer to be “we’re human”…. Lame. But [shrug]…. Could be the only answer I might get.

So there's this rock.... and, oh I don't know a piece of marble, that's hard right?

So I’m trapped between these two sides. The side that says ‘Be smart, make good decisions, save your money and make sure the things your doing today are going to be positive for your tomorrows down the line”…. And then there’s this other side that says “Carpe the Diem! You must live for today and here and now. It’s okay to make mistakes, you are young and have a lot of time to make up for any bad decisions.”

The thing is, though, that I want both. I want the stable safe sound life that creates a good foundation for a family, a real career, an emotional network and whatever else. But I also have this craving inside me that keeps telling me there is more out there than this. The voice that tells me there are more plans for me than just where I am right now, and to follow those dreams and to pursue them wholeheartedly because if I don’t, I’ll never know whether I could have made it [a], and [b], what kinds of other things there are to learn and experience out there.

[Shrug], a lot of great things have come out of my life by living the carpe diem way. I think my first step was when I really depended on God to hook me up with what I needed when the fam moved down to Arkansas. And he did. I had to take a chance and show up to a bible study I knew only one girl at [and barely at that], but in the end, He lead me to this amazing group of girls who showed me that God was more in me than just in my bible and what I learned from them was/is immeasurable.

I took that chance when I chose the college I did. I didn’t know a soul, and although I don’t remember really giving it up to God, I know that he was totally in control and I felt peace with the fact that he was going to put the right people in my life. I didn’t think about the fact that I didn’t know anyone there, their program wasn’t going to send me straight to NYC, or that I would be paying them for the rest of my life. But it was the best decision for me without a doubt.

Then, while in college I took a total chance and signed up for the semester in London, where the two girls I was supposed to go with I only barely knew…. And that’s where I grew really close to Whit.

I mean, I look at those things in my life and think, “If I had never taken the chance and jumped off the cliff, I would be a totally different person.” Those defining moments in my life came when I jumped and didn’t stay in the safe place that I created for myself.

I have been thinking a lot about the future the past few days/weeks…. And [sigh]. I’m tired of thinking about it [shrug]. I need to figure out what is good for me and what I am meant to be doing, but I just don’t feel like it’s time yet or that I’m ready to figure out what the next year of my life is going to hold [shrug].

I want to seize the day and take advantage of the fact that I’m young and I can bounce back even if I make a bad decision. But then I’ve seen how empowering it is to have a strong emotional backup in friends and family. The support. So I waver from one side to the other and wonder what to do.

Not to mention, I think about my jump here to Indianapolis and my expectations for my experience here. I thought it would be no problem getting a job, and had full faith that God was going to bring something spectacular for me, and then I ended up at a chiropractic office after a month of unemployment. And I will absolutely attest to the part where God totally came through and provided a job that was perfect for me [in his own time], but I think to myself “Do I really want to go through that again [a]? and…Will there be another perfect opportunity for me like this one [b]?” And I find myself putting God in a box sorta, saying that He came through for me once, but I can’t really expect him to do it twice! And I know that’s wrong, because He DID do it once, where at one point I thought he had different plans for me this year, and he proved me wrong and gave me what I had been praying for and asking and wishing and dreaming for. Conundrum.

Honestly, I don’t think that I’ve absorbed all I am meant to absorb here. I don’t know what that means, or for how long that means, but I know that it’s what I feel at the moment. I also know, though, that I really want to take my hands and use them somehow to serve others. I don’t know how to do that like Whit and Neubia are doing it…. I can’t do it that way, I don’t have that sort of passion or talents. But I am a craftsman, and I want to work to show my love for people by building or doing for them.

So yeah, that rock and hard place crap…. That’s where I am. I’m praying about it though, and I know that God is awesome and will, in his own time reveal exactly where he wants me and when.

So I guess I’ll wait <><,

*maike rinaye*