So there's this rock.... and, oh I don't know a piece of marble, that's hard right?

So I’m trapped between these two sides. The side that says ‘Be smart, make good decisions, save your money and make sure the things your doing today are going to be positive for your tomorrows down the line”…. And then there’s this other side that says “Carpe the Diem! You must live for today and here and now. It’s okay to make mistakes, you are young and have a lot of time to make up for any bad decisions.”

The thing is, though, that I want both. I want the stable safe sound life that creates a good foundation for a family, a real career, an emotional network and whatever else. But I also have this craving inside me that keeps telling me there is more out there than this. The voice that tells me there are more plans for me than just where I am right now, and to follow those dreams and to pursue them wholeheartedly because if I don’t, I’ll never know whether I could have made it [a], and [b], what kinds of other things there are to learn and experience out there.

[Shrug], a lot of great things have come out of my life by living the carpe diem way. I think my first step was when I really depended on God to hook me up with what I needed when the fam moved down to Arkansas. And he did. I had to take a chance and show up to a bible study I knew only one girl at [and barely at that], but in the end, He lead me to this amazing group of girls who showed me that God was more in me than just in my bible and what I learned from them was/is immeasurable.

I took that chance when I chose the college I did. I didn’t know a soul, and although I don’t remember really giving it up to God, I know that he was totally in control and I felt peace with the fact that he was going to put the right people in my life. I didn’t think about the fact that I didn’t know anyone there, their program wasn’t going to send me straight to NYC, or that I would be paying them for the rest of my life. But it was the best decision for me without a doubt.

Then, while in college I took a total chance and signed up for the semester in London, where the two girls I was supposed to go with I only barely knew…. And that’s where I grew really close to Whit.

I mean, I look at those things in my life and think, “If I had never taken the chance and jumped off the cliff, I would be a totally different person.” Those defining moments in my life came when I jumped and didn’t stay in the safe place that I created for myself.

I have been thinking a lot about the future the past few days/weeks…. And [sigh]. I’m tired of thinking about it [shrug]. I need to figure out what is good for me and what I am meant to be doing, but I just don’t feel like it’s time yet or that I’m ready to figure out what the next year of my life is going to hold [shrug].

I want to seize the day and take advantage of the fact that I’m young and I can bounce back even if I make a bad decision. But then I’ve seen how empowering it is to have a strong emotional backup in friends and family. The support. So I waver from one side to the other and wonder what to do.

Not to mention, I think about my jump here to Indianapolis and my expectations for my experience here. I thought it would be no problem getting a job, and had full faith that God was going to bring something spectacular for me, and then I ended up at a chiropractic office after a month of unemployment. And I will absolutely attest to the part where God totally came through and provided a job that was perfect for me [in his own time], but I think to myself “Do I really want to go through that again [a]? and…Will there be another perfect opportunity for me like this one [b]?” And I find myself putting God in a box sorta, saying that He came through for me once, but I can’t really expect him to do it twice! And I know that’s wrong, because He DID do it once, where at one point I thought he had different plans for me this year, and he proved me wrong and gave me what I had been praying for and asking and wishing and dreaming for. Conundrum.

Honestly, I don’t think that I’ve absorbed all I am meant to absorb here. I don’t know what that means, or for how long that means, but I know that it’s what I feel at the moment. I also know, though, that I really want to take my hands and use them somehow to serve others. I don’t know how to do that like Whit and Neubia are doing it…. I can’t do it that way, I don’t have that sort of passion or talents. But I am a craftsman, and I want to work to show my love for people by building or doing for them.

So yeah, that rock and hard place crap…. That’s where I am. I’m praying about it though, and I know that God is awesome and will, in his own time reveal exactly where he wants me and when.

So I guess I’ll wait <><,

*maike rinaye*