Saturday, December 22, 2007
wow...
Less than a week, and I will be walking on Egyptian land... yikes! How exciting... That's all [smile].
Monday, December 10, 2007
Part 2 -perfection?... doubtful
The perfect boy? Damn, we all know the perfect boy or the perfect girl does not exist. But if he did, for me, he’s a mix of boy 1 and 2. I find myself continually going after the boy 2’s… and they continually let me down. But dang it all, the boy 1’s are so hard to find [I’m convinced that like, 90% of these boys were snatched up while we were in college by the husband-hunters]. Then, if you do somehow end up with a boy 1, they are difficult to read. You can’t tell if boy 1 really thinks that you are an awesome time, he’s so busy playing by the rules, and giving you space so that if you do reject him, he can still hold his head high. The boy 2’s give you instant gratification. They tell you that you are beautiful, and they’re not afraid of starting something they can’t finish… they do that all the freakin time! [smile]. Oh the good guys though.. they are slow, and difficult to understand, but they are genuine. And they want to protect you, not in the macho “I-am-He-man” sort of way, but in the “Your heart and your feelings are important. I don’t want to get you off track with what your goals are”.
In the end, I need a guy who is going to protect me when I can’t protect myself. And a guy who is going to make decisions based on the future. As far as relationships go, that’s what I want. I want to look towards the future, and I do look towards the future… but I don’t want to be the only one that’s looking, planning and thinking about it. In some ways, I am the Girl 2 [if we apply it to females]. I moved away from my family because I can do it by myself, I make irrational decisions and carpe the diem! I don’t always think about the consequences until I have to figure out damage control. But in other ways, I am totally the Girl 1. I’m a planner, I look at the future, I make goals, I achieve goals, I know what I am doing this Friday night. And although I love risks, I am sometimes very afraid of failing, even though I know I have to risk it in order to be true to me.
The search for the perfect boy continues.
I wish it was black and white…. I can’t just call Boy 1 the good one that we should all be searching for, and I can’t call Boy 2 the bad one and the one to stay away from. That would be ridiculous… [although I realize that is what I lean towards in this post and last]. There are to many layers of grey to a person. There are to many other elements that matter in a relationship besides the things I’ve listed here. And I know that, but sometimes… I crave the black and white, just so that I can know which I need to hold at arms length because in the end they might be bad for me… stupid, because either could easily be bad for me… likewise either could be really good to me. The façade and who they appear to be, is not always truth. Hmmm… screw black and white… what I really want is a neon sign above their heads that just tells me ‘this guy is good for you!’ or ‘no, not a good match’.
That would be ideal [smile].
In the end, I need a guy who is going to protect me when I can’t protect myself. And a guy who is going to make decisions based on the future. As far as relationships go, that’s what I want. I want to look towards the future, and I do look towards the future… but I don’t want to be the only one that’s looking, planning and thinking about it. In some ways, I am the Girl 2 [if we apply it to females]. I moved away from my family because I can do it by myself, I make irrational decisions and carpe the diem! I don’t always think about the consequences until I have to figure out damage control. But in other ways, I am totally the Girl 1. I’m a planner, I look at the future, I make goals, I achieve goals, I know what I am doing this Friday night. And although I love risks, I am sometimes very afraid of failing, even though I know I have to risk it in order to be true to me.
The search for the perfect boy continues.
I wish it was black and white…. I can’t just call Boy 1 the good one that we should all be searching for, and I can’t call Boy 2 the bad one and the one to stay away from. That would be ridiculous… [although I realize that is what I lean towards in this post and last]. There are to many layers of grey to a person. There are to many other elements that matter in a relationship besides the things I’ve listed here. And I know that, but sometimes… I crave the black and white, just so that I can know which I need to hold at arms length because in the end they might be bad for me… stupid, because either could easily be bad for me… likewise either could be really good to me. The façade and who they appear to be, is not always truth. Hmmm… screw black and white… what I really want is a neon sign above their heads that just tells me ‘this guy is good for you!’ or ‘no, not a good match’.
That would be ideal [smile].
Part 1 on Theorizing About Boys…
I’ve been thinking a lot about boys, and theorizing [smile]. Because that’s what I love to waste my time doing, and if I find people to theorize with me, and delve into attempting to understand the human mind, particularly the male mind, then I thrive on analyzing and conjecturizing why we do the things we do.
Most recently, I have decided that there is a foundational difference between the smart guys and the… well, I don’t want to say ‘stupid’ boys, because really, that can apply to all boys, but more the… well, the less educated, less driven to succeed, less goal oriented, and less motivated men in the world… I think that about covers it.
The first group of guys… which I refer to as the ‘smart’ guys are the guys with the education, and the good job. The boys that are financially secure, and the boys who make decisions not based on how they FEEL, or what looks good right now, but rather on what will be the lasting results of their decisions. Now, granted, they are still boys, and humans, so they are still allowed to make irrational decisions, but in general… their decisions are calculated on what they will gain and what they will lose and if the risk is worth it. Additionally, they don’t really explore areas, which they could possibly fail at. They stay in the safe zone. They take the jobs where they will thrive and appear to be the big shot in the office. They don’t take the risk of applying for the job they are under-qualified for, and they stay near their family because it’s safe there, and if the rest of the world is giving them the finger, they will always be able to find support through their family.
Now the second group of guys… the opposite of the ‘smart’ guys. They move away from their family, not necessarily because they don’t like their family, but they have the need to do things on their own, even if it means that they move to a different city with no money and huge credit card debt. These boys never truly finish anything; from, completing a drawing, saving money to purchase a car, taking planned out trips… they have ideas where “Yeah, that’d be kinda cool” but there’s never any follow through. These boys are last minute, they have no idea on Tuesday what their plans will be for Friday or Saturday, and if you try to suggest making plans, they will often counter with “Well, why don’t we just see what we feel like when we get to Friday”. They apply for jobs that they could really suck at, or have no experience in whatsoever. They take chances, and are not afraid to be at the bottom of the totem pole. They don’t attempt to live up to anyone’s expectations but their own. And their own expectations are pretty low: get to work everyday [not necessarily on time], remember to pay the bills, meet up with so-and-so at the gym to make our muscles bigger and better.
Now here is where my theorizing comes in… when it comes to girls, these two different kinds of guys are, obviously, so different. The thing is though, that we girls, would like to mesh the two together.
For example, the ‘smart’ boys will only ask a girl out if he already knows she will say yes. He’s petrified of a blind date. Boy 2 thinks a blind date is thrilling and would break all the rules and call the girl up the day he’d like to meet up with her to see if she’d like to hang out and do something. And, if he saw a girl that was cute, he would ask for her number and see if she wanted to get something to drink… no reservations at all. Boy 1 would try to become friends with the girl first, and never ask her out the first time he met her. This is where that whole vision comes in; boy 1 [smart boy], does almost everything right now, for what is to be in the future, he’s not going to go out with a girl if he doesn’t think it has a chance to work, or if logistically it doesn’t seem possible [distance, schedules, life goals, etc.], boy 2, however, sees things in the here and now… and maybe later tonight [smile]. He’s thinking “this girl is hot, and if I can make-out with her tonight, score!” The thought of tomorrow morning does not even occur to him.
--so this is the beginning more to come later--
Most recently, I have decided that there is a foundational difference between the smart guys and the… well, I don’t want to say ‘stupid’ boys, because really, that can apply to all boys, but more the… well, the less educated, less driven to succeed, less goal oriented, and less motivated men in the world… I think that about covers it.
The first group of guys… which I refer to as the ‘smart’ guys are the guys with the education, and the good job. The boys that are financially secure, and the boys who make decisions not based on how they FEEL, or what looks good right now, but rather on what will be the lasting results of their decisions. Now, granted, they are still boys, and humans, so they are still allowed to make irrational decisions, but in general… their decisions are calculated on what they will gain and what they will lose and if the risk is worth it. Additionally, they don’t really explore areas, which they could possibly fail at. They stay in the safe zone. They take the jobs where they will thrive and appear to be the big shot in the office. They don’t take the risk of applying for the job they are under-qualified for, and they stay near their family because it’s safe there, and if the rest of the world is giving them the finger, they will always be able to find support through their family.
Now the second group of guys… the opposite of the ‘smart’ guys. They move away from their family, not necessarily because they don’t like their family, but they have the need to do things on their own, even if it means that they move to a different city with no money and huge credit card debt. These boys never truly finish anything; from, completing a drawing, saving money to purchase a car, taking planned out trips… they have ideas where “Yeah, that’d be kinda cool” but there’s never any follow through. These boys are last minute, they have no idea on Tuesday what their plans will be for Friday or Saturday, and if you try to suggest making plans, they will often counter with “Well, why don’t we just see what we feel like when we get to Friday”. They apply for jobs that they could really suck at, or have no experience in whatsoever. They take chances, and are not afraid to be at the bottom of the totem pole. They don’t attempt to live up to anyone’s expectations but their own. And their own expectations are pretty low: get to work everyday [not necessarily on time], remember to pay the bills, meet up with so-and-so at the gym to make our muscles bigger and better.
Now here is where my theorizing comes in… when it comes to girls, these two different kinds of guys are, obviously, so different. The thing is though, that we girls, would like to mesh the two together.
For example, the ‘smart’ boys will only ask a girl out if he already knows she will say yes. He’s petrified of a blind date. Boy 2 thinks a blind date is thrilling and would break all the rules and call the girl up the day he’d like to meet up with her to see if she’d like to hang out and do something. And, if he saw a girl that was cute, he would ask for her number and see if she wanted to get something to drink… no reservations at all. Boy 1 would try to become friends with the girl first, and never ask her out the first time he met her. This is where that whole vision comes in; boy 1 [smart boy], does almost everything right now, for what is to be in the future, he’s not going to go out with a girl if he doesn’t think it has a chance to work, or if logistically it doesn’t seem possible [distance, schedules, life goals, etc.], boy 2, however, sees things in the here and now… and maybe later tonight [smile]. He’s thinking “this girl is hot, and if I can make-out with her tonight, score!” The thought of tomorrow morning does not even occur to him.
--so this is the beginning more to come later--
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Stained Glass...
So, last week sometime I decided it was about time that I bought some of the rain guard for the windshield of my car, right… so I go and get this different brand than what my father usually has because it says that it also helps sleet ball up and fly off the window as well as snow AND helps to ease the scraping off of frost in the morning as well [awesome, right?]. So tonight, I finally get the time [while it’s not dark and scary outside] to put it on. I follow the directions [which are stupid and vague… seriously… how much is using this gel crap ‘sparingly’?!… is that like, toothpaste amount for the entire front windshield or are we talking like, a glob of ketchup on a hotdog the correct amount?]. Anyway, I finish the widows I do not want to scrape in the morning, and then I go hang out with the girls for dinner/grey’s night at Megans.
When I get back in the car to come home, I notice it immediately. I clearly have done something incorrect or have used too much goop or something, because instead of a crystal clear view of the road in front of me, I have skewed lights that swirl and small circles overlapping [that was exactly what I was supposed to do by the way].
On the ride home [yes, I drove home without fixing it], I started thinking about how this is sometimes how it feels experiencing life. You are in the driver’s seat of this smooth ride, and although you see the generalities of everything going on around you… sometimes the glass you are looking through skews what you are looking at. In my case, things don’t look bad, but really beautiful with the swirls twisting the light and creating a sort of stained glass window-look. It’s gorgeous. It’s funny though, because… it really is what you see, but it’s not what is really there. It’s not like I have made up the swirl effect; between me and reality is this pane that has distorted the legitimate world.
Anyway, got me thinking and analogizing… I’m good at that. Perhaps not as good at John [smile]… but I am good at it. I sometimes wonder if we need to have that pane of glass between us and reality. For me, tonight, it made my reality romantic, beautiful and interesting. Sometimes I think I need that. The rose colored glasses that make everything seem a little more exciting than they actually are [shrug].
“Do not expect the world to look bright, if you habitually wear gray-brown glasses.”- Charles W. Eliot
When I get back in the car to come home, I notice it immediately. I clearly have done something incorrect or have used too much goop or something, because instead of a crystal clear view of the road in front of me, I have skewed lights that swirl and small circles overlapping [that was exactly what I was supposed to do by the way].
On the ride home [yes, I drove home without fixing it], I started thinking about how this is sometimes how it feels experiencing life. You are in the driver’s seat of this smooth ride, and although you see the generalities of everything going on around you… sometimes the glass you are looking through skews what you are looking at. In my case, things don’t look bad, but really beautiful with the swirls twisting the light and creating a sort of stained glass window-look. It’s gorgeous. It’s funny though, because… it really is what you see, but it’s not what is really there. It’s not like I have made up the swirl effect; between me and reality is this pane that has distorted the legitimate world.
Anyway, got me thinking and analogizing… I’m good at that. Perhaps not as good at John [smile]… but I am good at it. I sometimes wonder if we need to have that pane of glass between us and reality. For me, tonight, it made my reality romantic, beautiful and interesting. Sometimes I think I need that. The rose colored glasses that make everything seem a little more exciting than they actually are [shrug].
“Do not expect the world to look bright, if you habitually wear gray-brown glasses.”- Charles W. Eliot
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Further consideration...
Upon further consideration... it appears that my wardrobe also includes more grey. Hmm...
Monday, November 26, 2007
No longer the zebra...
With the exception of my wardrobe... life is becoming less and less black and white.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
hmph...
Tonight it took me 15 minutes to FIND the air mattress and then another 15 minutes to find the air pump... and two, yes TWO minutes to air it up [rolls eyes].
Sunday, October 07, 2007
adulthood...sheesh.
So for the most part, I have minimal problems making decisions, but I’m realizing… sometimes, it just feels so good to explain your situation to someone and get their opinion, which will either affirm that you are right, or challenge you and help you realize where you are not right.
In this revelation, however, I become more and more jealous of people who have significant others [sigh]. Not that significant others are like, the answer to all the problems, but… to be working as a team and for him/her to know you and know what your goals are and to assist you in making the best decisions… [shrug] that would be helpful sometimes!... that would be helpful a LOT of times! Especially with crazy big decisions which you will be paying off for years [literally and/or figuratively]!
For those that don’t know, I’m in the market for a new car. And I think I figured out exactly what I want, but I find myself desperately wanting help in the actual DOING it. Like, getting the price that I want [which… what is the price I want anyway? (shrug)] I feel like I have been good at doing the research and whatnot for the car I want… but man, I just want help now! I want someone else to tell me “you should ask for this much below sticker”…. No, that’s a lie. What I really want is a guy to magically show up and say “Maike, let me do this for you. I’ll do all the talking and get you the best deal and exactly what you want, you sit there and sign the papers and I’ll take care of you.” Why can’t that happen!?
Earlier I was thinking about how, if I’m being completely honest, although I desperately want a dog, I’m not quite sure if I’m ready to make the sort of sacrifices you have to in order to have a good/happy dog [shrug]. And then I started thinking about guys, and how it’s in some ways similar. I’m not sure I’m ready to make the sacrifices needed for a GOOD relationship. I would love to be in one now, but… [shrug]… you do have to be at least a little sacrificial when you get into a relationship!
But I wonder… are we ever really ready? And how much of me saying that I’m not really ready is because I’m trying to make myself feel better for not having a significant guy in my life yet? In some ways I think I might be trying to convince the people around me that I’m not single because there is something wrong with me but rather, I am not single by CHOICE.. because I’m not “ready”…. [laugh]. Now I think I’m just talking in circles. But I wonder. [nod]. [shrug]. I’ve been thinking a lot about that sort of thing lately. The feelings and how things work out and where you have to be in life for them to work out the best.. and is there right and wrong when it comes to that stuff, and can you develop a strong relationship built on chemistry or does the foundation have to be something more concrete?... hmmm.. [shrug]. I have no answers. Someday perhaps. Until then, I will continue to speculate and hypothesize [smile].
That’s all I have for right now… the jeep is dead at the moment. I’m praying that it is the stupid battery [‘cause that, at least, is under warranty]… but if it’s the alternator, I just hope that I can get it fixed asap for cheap [sigh]. Stupid adult problems that I have to fix by myself! [sigh again]….
Oh well [rolls eyes]. Who knew being an adult was so difficult!? When I was little, I pictured something completely different. I imagined myself graduating High School, NOT going to college [“what a waste of time! I could be making $$ instead!” (silly elementary-Maike)], getting a great job doing who knows what [that might not have even entered my fairytail, actually, I might have gone straight from high school to getting married!]. Finding Mr. Right immediately [after, of course, dating a trillion good looking guys in high school, because what else do you do in high school?]. Driving a pink convertible [just like Barbie], and living in Hawaii with my best friend in an 8 story building where the first floor was completely inhabited by our pet dogs [I’m not sure where I left the husband… on the mainland to make our money (shrug)].
[shakes head]. There are many times where I really wish my dreamed up adulthood could be true, because of all the details I missed: bills, decisions, emotions, challenges, etc…. But when it comes down to it… this life… this semi-adulthood that I’m living right now… even with the challenges, I wouldn’t change it at all. I’m living, I’m learning, I’m growing, and although it sometimes stresses me out, and makes me miserable, I love it.
Anyway [smile]. That’s all for tonight. Perhaps later this week I will once again be inspired to write on the blog [we’ll see what kind of other tasks I’m avoiding throughout the week (smile)].
<><,
*maike rinaye*
ps: I'm gonig to Egypt after Christmas, how awesome is that?! And I get to meet up with Juilanne! ALSO fantastic [smile]. i'm one lucky girl... [nod]... I realize.
In this revelation, however, I become more and more jealous of people who have significant others [sigh]. Not that significant others are like, the answer to all the problems, but… to be working as a team and for him/her to know you and know what your goals are and to assist you in making the best decisions… [shrug] that would be helpful sometimes!... that would be helpful a LOT of times! Especially with crazy big decisions which you will be paying off for years [literally and/or figuratively]!
For those that don’t know, I’m in the market for a new car. And I think I figured out exactly what I want, but I find myself desperately wanting help in the actual DOING it. Like, getting the price that I want [which… what is the price I want anyway? (shrug)] I feel like I have been good at doing the research and whatnot for the car I want… but man, I just want help now! I want someone else to tell me “you should ask for this much below sticker”…. No, that’s a lie. What I really want is a guy to magically show up and say “Maike, let me do this for you. I’ll do all the talking and get you the best deal and exactly what you want, you sit there and sign the papers and I’ll take care of you.” Why can’t that happen!?
Earlier I was thinking about how, if I’m being completely honest, although I desperately want a dog, I’m not quite sure if I’m ready to make the sort of sacrifices you have to in order to have a good/happy dog [shrug]. And then I started thinking about guys, and how it’s in some ways similar. I’m not sure I’m ready to make the sacrifices needed for a GOOD relationship. I would love to be in one now, but… [shrug]… you do have to be at least a little sacrificial when you get into a relationship!
But I wonder… are we ever really ready? And how much of me saying that I’m not really ready is because I’m trying to make myself feel better for not having a significant guy in my life yet? In some ways I think I might be trying to convince the people around me that I’m not single because there is something wrong with me but rather, I am not single by CHOICE.. because I’m not “ready”…. [laugh]. Now I think I’m just talking in circles. But I wonder. [nod]. [shrug]. I’ve been thinking a lot about that sort of thing lately. The feelings and how things work out and where you have to be in life for them to work out the best.. and is there right and wrong when it comes to that stuff, and can you develop a strong relationship built on chemistry or does the foundation have to be something more concrete?... hmmm.. [shrug]. I have no answers. Someday perhaps. Until then, I will continue to speculate and hypothesize [smile].
That’s all I have for right now… the jeep is dead at the moment. I’m praying that it is the stupid battery [‘cause that, at least, is under warranty]… but if it’s the alternator, I just hope that I can get it fixed asap for cheap [sigh]. Stupid adult problems that I have to fix by myself! [sigh again]….
Oh well [rolls eyes]. Who knew being an adult was so difficult!? When I was little, I pictured something completely different. I imagined myself graduating High School, NOT going to college [“what a waste of time! I could be making $$ instead!” (silly elementary-Maike)], getting a great job doing who knows what [that might not have even entered my fairytail, actually, I might have gone straight from high school to getting married!]. Finding Mr. Right immediately [after, of course, dating a trillion good looking guys in high school, because what else do you do in high school?]. Driving a pink convertible [just like Barbie], and living in Hawaii with my best friend in an 8 story building where the first floor was completely inhabited by our pet dogs [I’m not sure where I left the husband… on the mainland to make our money (shrug)].
[shakes head]. There are many times where I really wish my dreamed up adulthood could be true, because of all the details I missed: bills, decisions, emotions, challenges, etc…. But when it comes down to it… this life… this semi-adulthood that I’m living right now… even with the challenges, I wouldn’t change it at all. I’m living, I’m learning, I’m growing, and although it sometimes stresses me out, and makes me miserable, I love it.
Anyway [smile]. That’s all for tonight. Perhaps later this week I will once again be inspired to write on the blog [we’ll see what kind of other tasks I’m avoiding throughout the week (smile)].
<><,
*maike rinaye*
ps: I'm gonig to Egypt after Christmas, how awesome is that?! And I get to meet up with Juilanne! ALSO fantastic [smile]. i'm one lucky girl... [nod]... I realize.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Goals...
Goals…
Have I written about goals before? Now that I’m typing it all out, it’s sounding familiar [in the general sense], but apparently I need to remind myself every now and then, so I suppose it’s good for me [shrug].. I guess.
My life some days seems to be dictated by my goals. For example, today’s goal was to fold all my laundry and get it into the appropriate drawers [success!]. I also have this weeks goals though: paint the last two freakin chairs that go with my dinning room set and touch up the coffee table, hang stupid pole in my closet successfully, then catch up on sleep [if there is time]. Beyond that, I have even more goals... I have goals for this month, and goals for before winter hits, and goals for before the new year. I have everything from small goals like “call the insurance people to find out how much I will have to pay if I get the new car”, to hugely vague goals like “be a better artist, practice more, be more disciplined”.
But I’m finding…. Meeting your goals is hard, especially when you are working 40+ hours a week and attempting to make a social life for yourself while still getting enough sleep to be healthy, carpe-ing the diem, paying bills, going to the grocery store.. sheesh.. generally I really love being grown up and on my own… But some days [shakes head]. There never seems to be enough hours in the day for me to do anything really really well. Like my art, I want to do it really well, from concept to technique to presentation. I want it all to be perfect and flawless… but I’m slow! I sometimes just wish I could have like, 2 more hours each day to live more of the life that I want/need to live.
[shrug]. My goal for this fall and winter is to research graduate schools again, this time I think for art history. I’m a bit scared; I’m not going to lie. Rejection sucks, and I am all about trying again and doing it better and that God has a master plan for why things turn out the way they do. But man, hearing [or reading] that they don’t think that you have enough of what they’re looking for [sigh]… suck. And I’m totally the kind of girl who believes them, not so that it debilitates me, but so that it empowers me to do better in order to prove them wrong. But I would rather not have to prove them wrong, I would rather be able to be strong from the beginning so that there was no reason for them to say no. Anyway, I’m trying to decide what that looks like for me… Do I need to study more art? Do I need to be book smart about it? Do I need to have a working knowledge about contemporary art? Should I take a class next semester to keep my feet wet? Hmph… But this goes back to my timing issues... when do I do all this? I know I can do it, but [sigh]... sometimes, it just takes a while in order to really convince yourself that they are wrong and that you will kick ass when they accept you into their program.
My two passions: art & dance. I feel like I can’t successfully do both as good as I want to. I can do both okay, or I can pick one and really give it all I’ve got to become good at it. Darn you time! Darn you! For today, and this season… I choose art. Which means I choose to become self disciplined, self motivated and successful… [nod]. Yes, that is what I will do this season.
So to start that out, here are two pieces that I am working on/working with/exploring.
Enjoy,
*maike rinaye*
Monday, August 13, 2007
So much in such a little time...wow :)
I’ve known it was coming for a while… a long while… but man, now that it’s here… it sux. Let me see if I can paint you an accurate [slightly hyperbolic] picture. I move to Indy, thinking this is a year-long experience where I grow, mature, learn, gain more experience, and move on. I, by some miracle, come across an amazing job that is absolutely perfect that I love and decide that one year just isn’t enough for me. I build relationships, we have our own little “family” both in our apartment girls [the three of us] and in our extended vista family. It’s comfortable, real, safe and fulfilling. Our family is genuine and amazing when it comes to supporting each other. When bad things happen, we reach out to make them better. When good things happen, we go out and celebrate! We meet each other’s needs since we are all nomad-ish individuals who are struggling to figure out where we belong in this crazy whacked-out world. And in the struggle, we all find where we are going this year… Neubia is off to law school, exactly where she needs to be… Whit is off to grad school doing professor stuff… Liz has found another position as a vista in Lafayette… Ryan is going to do grad school back home closer to the biological family…. Bobbie has accepted/started full time work at Horizon House… Megan is going back to school for graduate studies. And me… although it doesn’t seem like I am going anywhere… I’m happy to be staying in Indy and doing what I’m doing… Because I know it’s where I belong right now.
But, for the next month, this also leaves me in a difficult spot. I am sitting at home right now… alone. Although I know it’s something I will eventually get used to and figure out… it’s always hard at first. [sigh]… alone is really hard for me. I try to think back to see if it always has been, but I’m not sure. I love people, even if we are just sitting in the same room together, it makes me feel better than sitting in a room by myself. And, it’s just such a change anyway, going from our “family” who would call if I didn’t come home at a decent hour…. And who would always be there for the random adventure to the ghetto Kroger, or to Wal-Mart, or for a walk down by the canal…. To not having anyone expecting me at home, and not having anyone to randomly be like, “Hey, do you want to go for a walk in the park with me before it gets dark?”
[sigh]… That and the realization that this change is a pre-curser to how life is going to continue… is hard. Like the seasons, my friends will come and go, as well as roommates and housing arrangements, etc… Things will never be like they were this past year…. Which is both a thrilling thought [because I’m addicted to change], and a very gloomy idea because of the kinds of connections we have made and the kind of love that has been expressed in so many ways between all of us.
I thank God for the ease into real life. For not only providing quality friends while I was in college, but then to also provide such a wonderful, amazing group of individuals in my year after college. Awesome. I feel blessed [even if almost all of them are leaving the city].
Nonetheless, my painting ends with me, sitting in a dark living room, dinner dishes on the floor beside me, remembering the good times from the past year and wondering what the future holds. Crazy salsa music in the background [as always], I find myself thinking life is hard and I don’t want to be an adult today… Instead, I just want to curl up, look at pictures and remember… but in my remembering, I also know that the pursuit of change is what brought me here to begin with, and that although I struggle, I will push through, succeed and continue to love and be loved…. And things will be okay.
<><,
*maike rinaye*
But, for the next month, this also leaves me in a difficult spot. I am sitting at home right now… alone. Although I know it’s something I will eventually get used to and figure out… it’s always hard at first. [sigh]… alone is really hard for me. I try to think back to see if it always has been, but I’m not sure. I love people, even if we are just sitting in the same room together, it makes me feel better than sitting in a room by myself. And, it’s just such a change anyway, going from our “family” who would call if I didn’t come home at a decent hour…. And who would always be there for the random adventure to the ghetto Kroger, or to Wal-Mart, or for a walk down by the canal…. To not having anyone expecting me at home, and not having anyone to randomly be like, “Hey, do you want to go for a walk in the park with me before it gets dark?”
[sigh]… That and the realization that this change is a pre-curser to how life is going to continue… is hard. Like the seasons, my friends will come and go, as well as roommates and housing arrangements, etc… Things will never be like they were this past year…. Which is both a thrilling thought [because I’m addicted to change], and a very gloomy idea because of the kinds of connections we have made and the kind of love that has been expressed in so many ways between all of us.
I thank God for the ease into real life. For not only providing quality friends while I was in college, but then to also provide such a wonderful, amazing group of individuals in my year after college. Awesome. I feel blessed [even if almost all of them are leaving the city].
Nonetheless, my painting ends with me, sitting in a dark living room, dinner dishes on the floor beside me, remembering the good times from the past year and wondering what the future holds. Crazy salsa music in the background [as always], I find myself thinking life is hard and I don’t want to be an adult today… Instead, I just want to curl up, look at pictures and remember… but in my remembering, I also know that the pursuit of change is what brought me here to begin with, and that although I struggle, I will push through, succeed and continue to love and be loved…. And things will be okay.
<><,
*maike rinaye*
Friday, July 20, 2007
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
I Am That Nosey Neighbor
We used to joke about my stalking abilities… let’s not lie…. I used to brag about my acquired stealthy skills watching people and not being detected.
Freshman year in college was the ‘it’ year for stalking. It didn’t help that we had the perfect digs for it; our room faced into the commons area and people were always doing something funny/entertaining/disgusting on the porch or on the designated “make-out-table” or somewhere between the two. And if that wasn’t bad enough, after like a month into our fall semester my roommate brought a pair of binoculars back to the dorms for us. Not only did we have the perfect view from the center of the third floor in Smith Hall, but we were operational with equipment! [smile]. Add that to the fact that my clothing freshman year was predominantly black and you can see why I became so damn good at stalking [smile].
The climax of my stalking days, however, was the end of freshman year when a friend and I actually snuck into another friends room [who was out of town for the weekend] to spy on the boy I had the biggest crush on [Scottie-The-Hottie, that unfortunately did not even know I existed… and ended up being a pot-head (sigh) I pick winners guys]. It was nuttso… and not only was it crazy, but it was to spy on him flirting & eventually making out with another girl [who we fondly referred to as Melificent].
I’m pretty convinced my actual physical stalking days were over after that little episode. But I then came into something much more informational. I discovered Google and facebook, which thus led into a state of learning how to be a better more knowledgeable stalker…. Information at your fingertips! On top of that, I was trained to be a reference librarian senior year, which for some of you means being uninteresting, full of useless information on research tools, and directing you to the proper classroom when you didn’t really pay attention last week when the professor gave you the details. Additionally, I’m not going to lie, it sounds pretty nerdy and boring. However, this was a great tool for understanding the basics for research…. more than just books and papers.
All this to say, that although there is no one here in Indy that I really feel the need to stalk, I am still, at the heart of it all, that person who wants to know other peoples business. If there is a domestic disturbance in our parking lot, I sure am going to get my cup and press it on the wall hoping that I can hear whatever it is they are yelling about or make up an excuse to go back to my car for something [as long as I’m not putting myself in danger of course]…. And if there are cops in our back yard talking to our useless landlord, heck yeah I’m going to open the window and try to ease drop. And on nights like tonight, where there are 4 cop cars in our parking lot and then a fire truck and an ambulance that pull in too, I’m going to shut the lights off in my room, open the window wider, whisper to the roommates that there’s something going on and sit with them waiting for what’s about to happen, speculating about what the story is.
Although my stalking days are mostly over, that thing inside me that wants to know is still there. I try not to make it to obvious, but at the end of the day, when the lights are out but there are still flashing red and blues in the parking lot…. I am most definately that nosey neighbor.
<><,
*maike rinaye*
Freshman year in college was the ‘it’ year for stalking. It didn’t help that we had the perfect digs for it; our room faced into the commons area and people were always doing something funny/entertaining/disgusting on the porch or on the designated “make-out-table” or somewhere between the two. And if that wasn’t bad enough, after like a month into our fall semester my roommate brought a pair of binoculars back to the dorms for us. Not only did we have the perfect view from the center of the third floor in Smith Hall, but we were operational with equipment! [smile]. Add that to the fact that my clothing freshman year was predominantly black and you can see why I became so damn good at stalking [smile].
The climax of my stalking days, however, was the end of freshman year when a friend and I actually snuck into another friends room [who was out of town for the weekend] to spy on the boy I had the biggest crush on [Scottie-The-Hottie, that unfortunately did not even know I existed… and ended up being a pot-head (sigh) I pick winners guys]. It was nuttso… and not only was it crazy, but it was to spy on him flirting & eventually making out with another girl [who we fondly referred to as Melificent].
I’m pretty convinced my actual physical stalking days were over after that little episode. But I then came into something much more informational. I discovered Google and facebook, which thus led into a state of learning how to be a better more knowledgeable stalker…. Information at your fingertips! On top of that, I was trained to be a reference librarian senior year, which for some of you means being uninteresting, full of useless information on research tools, and directing you to the proper classroom when you didn’t really pay attention last week when the professor gave you the details. Additionally, I’m not going to lie, it sounds pretty nerdy and boring. However, this was a great tool for understanding the basics for research…. more than just books and papers.
All this to say, that although there is no one here in Indy that I really feel the need to stalk, I am still, at the heart of it all, that person who wants to know other peoples business. If there is a domestic disturbance in our parking lot, I sure am going to get my cup and press it on the wall hoping that I can hear whatever it is they are yelling about or make up an excuse to go back to my car for something [as long as I’m not putting myself in danger of course]…. And if there are cops in our back yard talking to our useless landlord, heck yeah I’m going to open the window and try to ease drop. And on nights like tonight, where there are 4 cop cars in our parking lot and then a fire truck and an ambulance that pull in too, I’m going to shut the lights off in my room, open the window wider, whisper to the roommates that there’s something going on and sit with them waiting for what’s about to happen, speculating about what the story is.
Although my stalking days are mostly over, that thing inside me that wants to know is still there. I try not to make it to obvious, but at the end of the day, when the lights are out but there are still flashing red and blues in the parking lot…. I am most definately that nosey neighbor.
<><,
*maike rinaye*
Monday, March 19, 2007
Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very;" your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. ~Mark Twain
I have been doing a lot of writing lately. For numerous reasons really…. First there is that whole thing where the roomies were gone for 4 days and so that left me with hmm… myself, my phone, my computer, a good book and the television [shrug]. But then there’s also this blast throat thing that is attacking my esophagus and creating the desire to stay silent even when people are around.
Additionally, the lack of roommates around the apartment has given me a large amount of time to think. And as a result, I have written some very real and important letters the past week or so…. Trying to solve problems, encourage good decisions, and be inspired by how great God is.
Now, I don’t profess to be a genius. Far from it, actually, but I keep hearing about situations where… I have to admit, I think to myself “Am I really THAT much smarter than you?” Now, some of you might think you know what I’m talking about, and for the others of you, I’d rather just keep it vague. But I keep coming across people who I really love, and admire at times, and respect, and then I hear about something they did, and I think, “What is the matter with you? You are smart, probably smarter than me, and yet you really screwed that up somehow!” [shakes head]. And I’m not talking about one specific instance, but rather a collection of them over the past few months. I guess what it comes down to though, is that [shrug], we’re all humans and make mistakes. And the instances that I’m talking about are all with 20-somethings… so we’re young and so we’re probably making more mistakes.
But I get stuck on that whole “we’re young” thing. Do we really make that many more mistakes than older adults? Or do we just care more about each other and our decisions now? Or do we just not hide our mistakes as well? [raises one eyebrow]. Interesting. That could be worth some more thought.
But I wonder, how much we do learn from our mistakes? And what does it take to learn from them? Like, in college… it took me a while to figure out that I had to spend more than the night before studying for a test if I wanted to actually pass it. Yet, it took me little time to figure out that I could sleep in until 15 min. before class and still make it on time and look presentable [hey, I didn’t look any worse than the other crazies that signed up for those early-ass classes]. Maybe it has to do with learning what we WANT to learn, and denying the situations that cramp what we want to do. That sux. Because although I can say I have an impeccable 20 minute [or less] morning routine that was created and perfected in college, there is a lot more to be said about how my future will be molded by the lessons I absorbed in class and by studying long nights for those tests. A lot more will stick with me and make an impression on my life from the lessons that took me longer to learn, and the lessons that I was perhaps, not as inclined to WANT to learn.
[Shrug], I don’t know. I’m searching for answers and reasons as to why because I want there to be some other reason why we’re stupid. I don’t want the answer to be “we’re human”…. Lame. But [shrug]…. Could be the only answer I might get.
Additionally, the lack of roommates around the apartment has given me a large amount of time to think. And as a result, I have written some very real and important letters the past week or so…. Trying to solve problems, encourage good decisions, and be inspired by how great God is.
Now, I don’t profess to be a genius. Far from it, actually, but I keep hearing about situations where… I have to admit, I think to myself “Am I really THAT much smarter than you?” Now, some of you might think you know what I’m talking about, and for the others of you, I’d rather just keep it vague. But I keep coming across people who I really love, and admire at times, and respect, and then I hear about something they did, and I think, “What is the matter with you? You are smart, probably smarter than me, and yet you really screwed that up somehow!” [shakes head]. And I’m not talking about one specific instance, but rather a collection of them over the past few months. I guess what it comes down to though, is that [shrug], we’re all humans and make mistakes. And the instances that I’m talking about are all with 20-somethings… so we’re young and so we’re probably making more mistakes.
But I get stuck on that whole “we’re young” thing. Do we really make that many more mistakes than older adults? Or do we just care more about each other and our decisions now? Or do we just not hide our mistakes as well? [raises one eyebrow]. Interesting. That could be worth some more thought.
But I wonder, how much we do learn from our mistakes? And what does it take to learn from them? Like, in college… it took me a while to figure out that I had to spend more than the night before studying for a test if I wanted to actually pass it. Yet, it took me little time to figure out that I could sleep in until 15 min. before class and still make it on time and look presentable [hey, I didn’t look any worse than the other crazies that signed up for those early-ass classes]. Maybe it has to do with learning what we WANT to learn, and denying the situations that cramp what we want to do. That sux. Because although I can say I have an impeccable 20 minute [or less] morning routine that was created and perfected in college, there is a lot more to be said about how my future will be molded by the lessons I absorbed in class and by studying long nights for those tests. A lot more will stick with me and make an impression on my life from the lessons that took me longer to learn, and the lessons that I was perhaps, not as inclined to WANT to learn.
[Shrug], I don’t know. I’m searching for answers and reasons as to why because I want there to be some other reason why we’re stupid. I don’t want the answer to be “we’re human”…. Lame. But [shrug]…. Could be the only answer I might get.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
So there's this rock.... and, oh I don't know a piece of marble, that's hard right?
So I’m trapped between these two sides. The side that says ‘Be smart, make good decisions, save your money and make sure the things your doing today are going to be positive for your tomorrows down the line”…. And then there’s this other side that says “Carpe the Diem! You must live for today and here and now. It’s okay to make mistakes, you are young and have a lot of time to make up for any bad decisions.”
The thing is, though, that I want both. I want the stable safe sound life that creates a good foundation for a family, a real career, an emotional network and whatever else. But I also have this craving inside me that keeps telling me there is more out there than this. The voice that tells me there are more plans for me than just where I am right now, and to follow those dreams and to pursue them wholeheartedly because if I don’t, I’ll never know whether I could have made it [a], and [b], what kinds of other things there are to learn and experience out there.
[Shrug], a lot of great things have come out of my life by living the carpe diem way. I think my first step was when I really depended on God to hook me up with what I needed when the fam moved down to Arkansas. And he did. I had to take a chance and show up to a bible study I knew only one girl at [and barely at that], but in the end, He lead me to this amazing group of girls who showed me that God was more in me than just in my bible and what I learned from them was/is immeasurable.
I took that chance when I chose the college I did. I didn’t know a soul, and although I don’t remember really giving it up to God, I know that he was totally in control and I felt peace with the fact that he was going to put the right people in my life. I didn’t think about the fact that I didn’t know anyone there, their program wasn’t going to send me straight to NYC, or that I would be paying them for the rest of my life. But it was the best decision for me without a doubt.
Then, while in college I took a total chance and signed up for the semester in London, where the two girls I was supposed to go with I only barely knew…. And that’s where I grew really close to Whit.
I mean, I look at those things in my life and think, “If I had never taken the chance and jumped off the cliff, I would be a totally different person.” Those defining moments in my life came when I jumped and didn’t stay in the safe place that I created for myself.
I have been thinking a lot about the future the past few days/weeks…. And [sigh]. I’m tired of thinking about it [shrug]. I need to figure out what is good for me and what I am meant to be doing, but I just don’t feel like it’s time yet or that I’m ready to figure out what the next year of my life is going to hold [shrug].
I want to seize the day and take advantage of the fact that I’m young and I can bounce back even if I make a bad decision. But then I’ve seen how empowering it is to have a strong emotional backup in friends and family. The support. So I waver from one side to the other and wonder what to do.
Not to mention, I think about my jump here to Indianapolis and my expectations for my experience here. I thought it would be no problem getting a job, and had full faith that God was going to bring something spectacular for me, and then I ended up at a chiropractic office after a month of unemployment. And I will absolutely attest to the part where God totally came through and provided a job that was perfect for me [in his own time], but I think to myself “Do I really want to go through that again [a]? and…Will there be another perfect opportunity for me like this one [b]?” And I find myself putting God in a box sorta, saying that He came through for me once, but I can’t really expect him to do it twice! And I know that’s wrong, because He DID do it once, where at one point I thought he had different plans for me this year, and he proved me wrong and gave me what I had been praying for and asking and wishing and dreaming for. Conundrum.
Honestly, I don’t think that I’ve absorbed all I am meant to absorb here. I don’t know what that means, or for how long that means, but I know that it’s what I feel at the moment. I also know, though, that I really want to take my hands and use them somehow to serve others. I don’t know how to do that like Whit and Neubia are doing it…. I can’t do it that way, I don’t have that sort of passion or talents. But I am a craftsman, and I want to work to show my love for people by building or doing for them.
So yeah, that rock and hard place crap…. That’s where I am. I’m praying about it though, and I know that God is awesome and will, in his own time reveal exactly where he wants me and when.
So I guess I’ll wait <><,
*maike rinaye*
The thing is, though, that I want both. I want the stable safe sound life that creates a good foundation for a family, a real career, an emotional network and whatever else. But I also have this craving inside me that keeps telling me there is more out there than this. The voice that tells me there are more plans for me than just where I am right now, and to follow those dreams and to pursue them wholeheartedly because if I don’t, I’ll never know whether I could have made it [a], and [b], what kinds of other things there are to learn and experience out there.
[Shrug], a lot of great things have come out of my life by living the carpe diem way. I think my first step was when I really depended on God to hook me up with what I needed when the fam moved down to Arkansas. And he did. I had to take a chance and show up to a bible study I knew only one girl at [and barely at that], but in the end, He lead me to this amazing group of girls who showed me that God was more in me than just in my bible and what I learned from them was/is immeasurable.
I took that chance when I chose the college I did. I didn’t know a soul, and although I don’t remember really giving it up to God, I know that he was totally in control and I felt peace with the fact that he was going to put the right people in my life. I didn’t think about the fact that I didn’t know anyone there, their program wasn’t going to send me straight to NYC, or that I would be paying them for the rest of my life. But it was the best decision for me without a doubt.
Then, while in college I took a total chance and signed up for the semester in London, where the two girls I was supposed to go with I only barely knew…. And that’s where I grew really close to Whit.
I mean, I look at those things in my life and think, “If I had never taken the chance and jumped off the cliff, I would be a totally different person.” Those defining moments in my life came when I jumped and didn’t stay in the safe place that I created for myself.
I have been thinking a lot about the future the past few days/weeks…. And [sigh]. I’m tired of thinking about it [shrug]. I need to figure out what is good for me and what I am meant to be doing, but I just don’t feel like it’s time yet or that I’m ready to figure out what the next year of my life is going to hold [shrug].
I want to seize the day and take advantage of the fact that I’m young and I can bounce back even if I make a bad decision. But then I’ve seen how empowering it is to have a strong emotional backup in friends and family. The support. So I waver from one side to the other and wonder what to do.
Not to mention, I think about my jump here to Indianapolis and my expectations for my experience here. I thought it would be no problem getting a job, and had full faith that God was going to bring something spectacular for me, and then I ended up at a chiropractic office after a month of unemployment. And I will absolutely attest to the part where God totally came through and provided a job that was perfect for me [in his own time], but I think to myself “Do I really want to go through that again [a]? and…Will there be another perfect opportunity for me like this one [b]?” And I find myself putting God in a box sorta, saying that He came through for me once, but I can’t really expect him to do it twice! And I know that’s wrong, because He DID do it once, where at one point I thought he had different plans for me this year, and he proved me wrong and gave me what I had been praying for and asking and wishing and dreaming for. Conundrum.
Honestly, I don’t think that I’ve absorbed all I am meant to absorb here. I don’t know what that means, or for how long that means, but I know that it’s what I feel at the moment. I also know, though, that I really want to take my hands and use them somehow to serve others. I don’t know how to do that like Whit and Neubia are doing it…. I can’t do it that way, I don’t have that sort of passion or talents. But I am a craftsman, and I want to work to show my love for people by building or doing for them.
So yeah, that rock and hard place crap…. That’s where I am. I’m praying about it though, and I know that God is awesome and will, in his own time reveal exactly where he wants me and when.
So I guess I’ll wait <><,
*maike rinaye*
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Gas under $2....
So we have started a new tradition.... whenever we see that gas prices are under $2 we take a random road trip... which always ends up being fabulous [and by always I really mean the first and the second trips…but I’m looking forward to many to come….as long as the government co-operates]. Anyway, we spotted the cheap gas on Friday and decided that Sat. we would have to leave town. We took off to Michigan!
Ann Arbor. It was great. Fantastic freakin shops all over, beautiful city. Cold as freakin Alaska but wonderful nonetheless. We only stayed one night, but it was so worth it. I looked at a school up there at one point [okay, I only looked for like, a min. ‘cause Lord knows I am not one for the cold weather]. Anyway, it was a great town, and if it were located closer to the equator, just a bit, it would totally be on the “I should live here someday” list….. it might make it on that list anyway.
That’s all really. We rocked it out, Whit, Bobbie and I. It was a freakin blast. Can’t wait for the next fun trip…. St. Patrick’s day perhaps? Maybe in Chicago? We’ll see.
<><,
*maike rinaye*
Ann Arbor. It was great. Fantastic freakin shops all over, beautiful city. Cold as freakin Alaska but wonderful nonetheless. We only stayed one night, but it was so worth it. I looked at a school up there at one point [okay, I only looked for like, a min. ‘cause Lord knows I am not one for the cold weather]. Anyway, it was a great town, and if it were located closer to the equator, just a bit, it would totally be on the “I should live here someday” list….. it might make it on that list anyway.
That’s all really. We rocked it out, Whit, Bobbie and I. It was a freakin blast. Can’t wait for the next fun trip…. St. Patrick’s day perhaps? Maybe in Chicago? We’ll see.
<><,
*maike rinaye*
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