I’ve known it was coming for a while… a long while… but man, now that it’s here… it sux. Let me see if I can paint you an accurate [slightly hyperbolic] picture. I move to Indy, thinking this is a year-long experience where I grow, mature, learn, gain more experience, and move on. I, by some miracle, come across an amazing job that is absolutely perfect that I love and decide that one year just isn’t enough for me. I build relationships, we have our own little “family” both in our apartment girls [the three of us] and in our extended vista family. It’s comfortable, real, safe and fulfilling. Our family is genuine and amazing when it comes to supporting each other. When bad things happen, we reach out to make them better. When good things happen, we go out and celebrate! We meet each other’s needs since we are all nomad-ish individuals who are struggling to figure out where we belong in this crazy whacked-out world. And in the struggle, we all find where we are going this year… Neubia is off to law school, exactly where she needs to be… Whit is off to grad school doing professor stuff… Liz has found another position as a vista in Lafayette… Ryan is going to do grad school back home closer to the biological family…. Bobbie has accepted/started full time work at Horizon House… Megan is going back to school for graduate studies. And me… although it doesn’t seem like I am going anywhere… I’m happy to be staying in Indy and doing what I’m doing… Because I know it’s where I belong right now.
But, for the next month, this also leaves me in a difficult spot. I am sitting at home right now… alone. Although I know it’s something I will eventually get used to and figure out… it’s always hard at first. [sigh]… alone is really hard for me. I try to think back to see if it always has been, but I’m not sure. I love people, even if we are just sitting in the same room together, it makes me feel better than sitting in a room by myself. And, it’s just such a change anyway, going from our “family” who would call if I didn’t come home at a decent hour…. And who would always be there for the random adventure to the ghetto Kroger, or to Wal-Mart, or for a walk down by the canal…. To not having anyone expecting me at home, and not having anyone to randomly be like, “Hey, do you want to go for a walk in the park with me before it gets dark?”
[sigh]… That and the realization that this change is a pre-curser to how life is going to continue… is hard. Like the seasons, my friends will come and go, as well as roommates and housing arrangements, etc… Things will never be like they were this past year…. Which is both a thrilling thought [because I’m addicted to change], and a very gloomy idea because of the kinds of connections we have made and the kind of love that has been expressed in so many ways between all of us.
I thank God for the ease into real life. For not only providing quality friends while I was in college, but then to also provide such a wonderful, amazing group of individuals in my year after college. Awesome. I feel blessed [even if almost all of them are leaving the city].
Nonetheless, my painting ends with me, sitting in a dark living room, dinner dishes on the floor beside me, remembering the good times from the past year and wondering what the future holds. Crazy salsa music in the background [as always], I find myself thinking life is hard and I don’t want to be an adult today… Instead, I just want to curl up, look at pictures and remember… but in my remembering, I also know that the pursuit of change is what brought me here to begin with, and that although I struggle, I will push through, succeed and continue to love and be loved…. And things will be okay.
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*maike rinaye*
