Inside my head....hmm

November 29, 2006

So the past few days I have been in somewhat of a mood… some might say grumpy, some might say just mad, but I think I would call it more of a bitter mood, or disenchanted. And last night I did a lot of thinking about stuff, and mostly, I think my mood was a result of just realizing that we are all humans, and can never make all the right decisions, and never know completely 100% whether we’re doing the right thing or not.
And sure, this seems like a simple idea to grasp and whatnot, but I think…. Hmm…. This is hard to write out. I think that sometimes we have people that we really look up to, for example, for me right now one group is Godly men. I find these great guy friends who serve the Lord to be attractive in almost every area and I root for them to find great things: a great job, successful fulfilling career, a fantastic relationship with Jesus, a great Godly woman to hook up with [and I enjoy it even more if it’s one of my friends]. The problem is, however, that because I’ve tagged them as “Godly men”, I have high expectations of them first of all, and second of all, I put them on an inhuman pedestal where I am blind to their faults. This is where the being bitter that we’re all human part comes in.
And I don’t just do this with guys, it happens with my female friends too. But it’s just sort of a crash when you realize that we are all humans, and no matter how close we are to God, we’re still sinners and are still going to screw things up somehow.
I am frustrated right now. I wish that I knew all things…shoot, not even all things. I would settle for just a few simple instructions for that whole “this is who you should talk to and who you should let know about what you are thinking and feeling”. I feel like generally that’s what I want to do, work out the problems be honest and upfront. But lately, it’s become more of the question: is it worth it? You know, is this person going to be responsive to me making an issue about this or that, and are they going to listen to what I say, are they going to think about it, are they actually going to be able to talk about it with me? Or are they going to be that person who might listen to you but has nothing to say because they think that they are right and should not have to defend themselves or their actions. Bleh. Puke on those people. And then the whole thing about how many times do you approach someone about the same issues? [shakes head]. Sheesh. Are you confused yet? I might be.
Anyway, there are just a lot of ideas floating around in my head at the moment, and I’m slowly but surely making sense of most of them. I think sometimes, because of the neighborhood that we live in and the things that we have experienced and seen these last few months, I sort of view Springfield as the good place where nothing bad happens, and the friends I have there/made there are great Godly people who are living right. When in reality, Springfield is just another town with as much sin as this one. We see different aspects of it, sure…. But sinful, unholy and human just the same…. [sigh]. Man, all this talk makes me think that heaven is going to be pretty freakin awesome [smile].
So I think that’s it for tonight. I have somewhat of a story to share…. But I’m still forming it…. It might be a long one, ‘cause it’s hard to explain everything that goes with it [physically, factually and emotionally]. But hopefully when I get it up here it will be good.

<><,
*maike rinaye*

Thanksgiving....

So, recap of the last few significant events in my life:

*got a great job, which I absolutely love [well, perhaps ‘absolute’ is a bit of a strong word, ‘cause there are definitely elements that I fight with….but for the majority of the time, I really love it].

*took a random “gas-is-under-$2” trip to St. Louis!

*continued our Thursday night dinner and salsa dancing trend.

*had a fantastic Thanksgiving feast with the Indy folks [we all cooked stuff from scratch: cornbread, creamed green beans, mashed potatoes, pumpkin bread, noodle salad stuff….and turkey of course!].

*drove to St. Louis/Springfield/Branson for Thanksgiving break! [Neubia had never been to St. Louis so we did the arch, and the loop….good times:].

*salsa’d in Springfield at our favorite ghetto bar [which is finally getting a new dance floor this month!].

*experienced the X-mas in Branson…. X-mas lights, shopping, a show and all! [also a first for Neubia].

On the drive back to Indy I was thinking about how I was excited about coming back to Indy…. But it’s more than coming back to a city that I like, or people that I like, or a home…. It’s more of coming back to MY life. Ya know? And I love visiting parts of my past, whether that’s in Marshall, Arkansas, Springfield or New Mexico….. [shrug]…. I absolutely love traveling. But there is something to say about coming back to my life and my routines, and freedom [nod].

I really did have a great week. It made me wish that I had all the important people closer to me…. specifically in the same city that I’m living… [smile]… but I guess that’s the deal, right? If you want adventure, you can’t likely pull everyone through it with you.

More to come later, I promise…. I’m in a writing kind of mood.

<><,
*maike rinaye*