Stained Glass...

So, last week sometime I decided it was about time that I bought some of the rain guard for the windshield of my car, right… so I go and get this different brand than what my father usually has because it says that it also helps sleet ball up and fly off the window as well as snow AND helps to ease the scraping off of frost in the morning as well [awesome, right?]. So tonight, I finally get the time [while it’s not dark and scary outside] to put it on. I follow the directions [which are stupid and vague… seriously… how much is using this gel crap ‘sparingly’?!… is that like, toothpaste amount for the entire front windshield or are we talking like, a glob of ketchup on a hotdog the correct amount?]. Anyway, I finish the widows I do not want to scrape in the morning, and then I go hang out with the girls for dinner/grey’s night at Megans.

When I get back in the car to come home, I notice it immediately. I clearly have done something incorrect or have used too much goop or something, because instead of a crystal clear view of the road in front of me, I have skewed lights that swirl and small circles overlapping [that was exactly what I was supposed to do by the way].

On the ride home [yes, I drove home without fixing it], I started thinking about how this is sometimes how it feels experiencing life. You are in the driver’s seat of this smooth ride, and although you see the generalities of everything going on around you… sometimes the glass you are looking through skews what you are looking at. In my case, things don’t look bad, but really beautiful with the swirls twisting the light and creating a sort of stained glass window-look. It’s gorgeous. It’s funny though, because… it really is what you see, but it’s not what is really there. It’s not like I have made up the swirl effect; between me and reality is this pane that has distorted the legitimate world.

Anyway, got me thinking and analogizing… I’m good at that. Perhaps not as good at John [smile]… but I am good at it. I sometimes wonder if we need to have that pane of glass between us and reality. For me, tonight, it made my reality romantic, beautiful and interesting. Sometimes I think I need that. The rose colored glasses that make everything seem a little more exciting than they actually are [shrug].

“Do not expect the world to look bright, if you habitually wear gray-brown glasses.”- Charles W. Eliot

Further consideration...

Upon further consideration... it appears that my wardrobe also includes more grey. Hmm...

No longer the zebra...

With the exception of my wardrobe... life is becoming less and less black and white.

hmph...

Tonight it took me 15 minutes to FIND the air mattress and then another 15 minutes to find the air pump... and two, yes TWO minutes to air it up [rolls eyes].

adulthood...sheesh.

So for the most part, I have minimal problems making decisions, but I’m realizing… sometimes, it just feels so good to explain your situation to someone and get their opinion, which will either affirm that you are right, or challenge you and help you realize where you are not right.

In this revelation, however, I become more and more jealous of people who have significant others [sigh]. Not that significant others are like, the answer to all the problems, but… to be working as a team and for him/her to know you and know what your goals are and to assist you in making the best decisions… [shrug] that would be helpful sometimes!... that would be helpful a LOT of times! Especially with crazy big decisions which you will be paying off for years [literally and/or figuratively]!

For those that don’t know, I’m in the market for a new car. And I think I figured out exactly what I want, but I find myself desperately wanting help in the actual DOING it. Like, getting the price that I want [which… what is the price I want anyway? (shrug)] I feel like I have been good at doing the research and whatnot for the car I want… but man, I just want help now! I want someone else to tell me “you should ask for this much below sticker”…. No, that’s a lie. What I really want is a guy to magically show up and say “Maike, let me do this for you. I’ll do all the talking and get you the best deal and exactly what you want, you sit there and sign the papers and I’ll take care of you.” Why can’t that happen!?

Earlier I was thinking about how, if I’m being completely honest, although I desperately want a dog, I’m not quite sure if I’m ready to make the sort of sacrifices you have to in order to have a good/happy dog [shrug]. And then I started thinking about guys, and how it’s in some ways similar. I’m not sure I’m ready to make the sacrifices needed for a GOOD relationship. I would love to be in one now, but… [shrug]… you do have to be at least a little sacrificial when you get into a relationship!

But I wonder… are we ever really ready? And how much of me saying that I’m not really ready is because I’m trying to make myself feel better for not having a significant guy in my life yet? In some ways I think I might be trying to convince the people around me that I’m not single because there is something wrong with me but rather, I am not single by CHOICE.. because I’m not “ready”…. [laugh]. Now I think I’m just talking in circles. But I wonder. [nod]. [shrug]. I’ve been thinking a lot about that sort of thing lately. The feelings and how things work out and where you have to be in life for them to work out the best.. and is there right and wrong when it comes to that stuff, and can you develop a strong relationship built on chemistry or does the foundation have to be something more concrete?... hmmm.. [shrug]. I have no answers. Someday perhaps. Until then, I will continue to speculate and hypothesize [smile].

That’s all I have for right now… the jeep is dead at the moment. I’m praying that it is the stupid battery [‘cause that, at least, is under warranty]… but if it’s the alternator, I just hope that I can get it fixed asap for cheap [sigh]. Stupid adult problems that I have to fix by myself! [sigh again]….

Oh well [rolls eyes]. Who knew being an adult was so difficult!? When I was little, I pictured something completely different. I imagined myself graduating High School, NOT going to college [“what a waste of time! I could be making $$ instead!” (silly elementary-Maike)], getting a great job doing who knows what [that might not have even entered my fairytail, actually, I might have gone straight from high school to getting married!]. Finding Mr. Right immediately [after, of course, dating a trillion good looking guys in high school, because what else do you do in high school?]. Driving a pink convertible [just like Barbie], and living in Hawaii with my best friend in an 8 story building where the first floor was completely inhabited by our pet dogs [I’m not sure where I left the husband… on the mainland to make our money (shrug)].

[shakes head]. There are many times where I really wish my dreamed up adulthood could be true, because of all the details I missed: bills, decisions, emotions, challenges, etc…. But when it comes down to it… this life… this semi-adulthood that I’m living right now… even with the challenges, I wouldn’t change it at all. I’m living, I’m learning, I’m growing, and although it sometimes stresses me out, and makes me miserable, I love it.

Anyway [smile]. That’s all for tonight. Perhaps later this week I will once again be inspired to write on the blog [we’ll see what kind of other tasks I’m avoiding throughout the week (smile)].

<><,
*maike rinaye*


ps: I'm gonig to Egypt after Christmas, how awesome is that?! And I get to meet up with Juilanne! ALSO fantastic [smile]. i'm one lucky girl... [nod]... I realize.

Goals...

Goals…

Have I written about goals before? Now that I’m typing it all out, it’s sounding familiar [in the general sense], but apparently I need to remind myself every now and then, so I suppose it’s good for me [shrug].. I guess.

My life some days seems to be dictated by my goals. For example, today’s goal was to fold all my laundry and get it into the appropriate drawers [success!]. I also have this weeks goals though: paint the last two freakin chairs that go with my dinning room set and touch up the coffee table, hang stupid pole in my closet successfully, then catch up on sleep [if there is time]. Beyond that, I have even more goals... I have goals for this month, and goals for before winter hits, and goals for before the new year. I have everything from small goals like “call the insurance people to find out how much I will have to pay if I get the new car”, to hugely vague goals like “be a better artist, practice more, be more disciplined”.

But I’m finding…. Meeting your goals is hard, especially when you are working 40+ hours a week and attempting to make a social life for yourself while still getting enough sleep to be healthy, carpe-ing the diem, paying bills, going to the grocery store.. sheesh.. generally I really love being grown up and on my own… But some days [shakes head]. There never seems to be enough hours in the day for me to do anything really really well. Like my art, I want to do it really well, from concept to technique to presentation. I want it all to be perfect and flawless… but I’m slow! I sometimes just wish I could have like, 2 more hours each day to live more of the life that I want/need to live.

[shrug]. My goal for this fall and winter is to research graduate schools again, this time I think for art history. I’m a bit scared; I’m not going to lie. Rejection sucks, and I am all about trying again and doing it better and that God has a master plan for why things turn out the way they do. But man, hearing [or reading] that they don’t think that you have enough of what they’re looking for [sigh]… suck. And I’m totally the kind of girl who believes them, not so that it debilitates me, but so that it empowers me to do better in order to prove them wrong. But I would rather not have to prove them wrong, I would rather be able to be strong from the beginning so that there was no reason for them to say no. Anyway, I’m trying to decide what that looks like for me… Do I need to study more art? Do I need to be book smart about it? Do I need to have a working knowledge about contemporary art? Should I take a class next semester to keep my feet wet? Hmph… But this goes back to my timing issues... when do I do all this? I know I can do it, but [sigh]... sometimes, it just takes a while in order to really convince yourself that they are wrong and that you will kick ass when they accept you into their program.

My two passions: art & dance. I feel like I can’t successfully do both as good as I want to. I can do both okay, or I can pick one and really give it all I’ve got to become good at it. Darn you time! Darn you! For today, and this season… I choose art. Which means I choose to become self disciplined, self motivated and successful… [nod]. Yes, that is what I will do this season.

So to start that out, here are two pieces that I am working on/working with/exploring.

Enjoy,

*maike rinaye*

So much in such a little time...wow :)

I’ve known it was coming for a while… a long while… but man, now that it’s here… it sux. Let me see if I can paint you an accurate [slightly hyperbolic] picture. I move to Indy, thinking this is a year-long experience where I grow, mature, learn, gain more experience, and move on. I, by some miracle, come across an amazing job that is absolutely perfect that I love and decide that one year just isn’t enough for me. I build relationships, we have our own little “family” both in our apartment girls [the three of us] and in our extended vista family. It’s comfortable, real, safe and fulfilling. Our family is genuine and amazing when it comes to supporting each other. When bad things happen, we reach out to make them better. When good things happen, we go out and celebrate! We meet each other’s needs since we are all nomad-ish individuals who are struggling to figure out where we belong in this crazy whacked-out world. And in the struggle, we all find where we are going this year… Neubia is off to law school, exactly where she needs to be… Whit is off to grad school doing professor stuff… Liz has found another position as a vista in Lafayette… Ryan is going to do grad school back home closer to the biological family…. Bobbie has accepted/started full time work at Horizon House… Megan is going back to school for graduate studies. And me… although it doesn’t seem like I am going anywhere… I’m happy to be staying in Indy and doing what I’m doing… Because I know it’s where I belong right now.

But, for the next month, this also leaves me in a difficult spot. I am sitting at home right now… alone. Although I know it’s something I will eventually get used to and figure out… it’s always hard at first. [sigh]… alone is really hard for me. I try to think back to see if it always has been, but I’m not sure. I love people, even if we are just sitting in the same room together, it makes me feel better than sitting in a room by myself. And, it’s just such a change anyway, going from our “family” who would call if I didn’t come home at a decent hour…. And who would always be there for the random adventure to the ghetto Kroger, or to Wal-Mart, or for a walk down by the canal…. To not having anyone expecting me at home, and not having anyone to randomly be like, “Hey, do you want to go for a walk in the park with me before it gets dark?”

[sigh]… That and the realization that this change is a pre-curser to how life is going to continue… is hard. Like the seasons, my friends will come and go, as well as roommates and housing arrangements, etc… Things will never be like they were this past year…. Which is both a thrilling thought [because I’m addicted to change], and a very gloomy idea because of the kinds of connections we have made and the kind of love that has been expressed in so many ways between all of us.

I thank God for the ease into real life. For not only providing quality friends while I was in college, but then to also provide such a wonderful, amazing group of individuals in my year after college. Awesome. I feel blessed [even if almost all of them are leaving the city].

Nonetheless, my painting ends with me, sitting in a dark living room, dinner dishes on the floor beside me, remembering the good times from the past year and wondering what the future holds. Crazy salsa music in the background [as always], I find myself thinking life is hard and I don’t want to be an adult today… Instead, I just want to curl up, look at pictures and remember… but in my remembering, I also know that the pursuit of change is what brought me here to begin with, and that although I struggle, I will push through, succeed and continue to love and be loved…. And things will be okay.

<><,
*maike rinaye*

This is why we're hott [smile]...

I Am That Nosey Neighbor

We used to joke about my stalking abilities… let’s not lie…. I used to brag about my acquired stealthy skills watching people and not being detected.

Freshman year in college was the ‘it’ year for stalking. It didn’t help that we had the perfect digs for it; our room faced into the commons area and people were always doing something funny/entertaining/disgusting on the porch or on the designated “make-out-table” or somewhere between the two. And if that wasn’t bad enough, after like a month into our fall semester my roommate brought a pair of binoculars back to the dorms for us. Not only did we have the perfect view from the center of the third floor in Smith Hall, but we were operational with equipment! [smile]. Add that to the fact that my clothing freshman year was predominantly black and you can see why I became so damn good at stalking [smile].

The climax of my stalking days, however, was the end of freshman year when a friend and I actually snuck into another friends room [who was out of town for the weekend] to spy on the boy I had the biggest crush on [Scottie-The-Hottie, that unfortunately did not even know I existed… and ended up being a pot-head (sigh) I pick winners guys]. It was nuttso… and not only was it crazy, but it was to spy on him flirting & eventually making out with another girl [who we fondly referred to as Melificent].

I’m pretty convinced my actual physical stalking days were over after that little episode. But I then came into something much more informational. I discovered Google and facebook, which thus led into a state of learning how to be a better more knowledgeable stalker…. Information at your fingertips! On top of that, I was trained to be a reference librarian senior year, which for some of you means being uninteresting, full of useless information on research tools, and directing you to the proper classroom when you didn’t really pay attention last week when the professor gave you the details. Additionally, I’m not going to lie, it sounds pretty nerdy and boring. However, this was a great tool for understanding the basics for research…. more than just books and papers.

All this to say, that although there is no one here in Indy that I really feel the need to stalk, I am still, at the heart of it all, that person who wants to know other peoples business. If there is a domestic disturbance in our parking lot, I sure am going to get my cup and press it on the wall hoping that I can hear whatever it is they are yelling about or make up an excuse to go back to my car for something [as long as I’m not putting myself in danger of course]…. And if there are cops in our back yard talking to our useless landlord, heck yeah I’m going to open the window and try to ease drop. And on nights like tonight, where there are 4 cop cars in our parking lot and then a fire truck and an ambulance that pull in too, I’m going to shut the lights off in my room, open the window wider, whisper to the roommates that there’s something going on and sit with them waiting for what’s about to happen, speculating about what the story is.

Although my stalking days are mostly over, that thing inside me that wants to know is still there. I try not to make it to obvious, but at the end of the day, when the lights are out but there are still flashing red and blues in the parking lot…. I am most definately that nosey neighbor.

<><,
*maike rinaye*

Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very;" your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. ~Mark Twain

I have been doing a lot of writing lately. For numerous reasons really…. First there is that whole thing where the roomies were gone for 4 days and so that left me with hmm… myself, my phone, my computer, a good book and the television [shrug]. But then there’s also this blast throat thing that is attacking my esophagus and creating the desire to stay silent even when people are around.

Additionally, the lack of roommates around the apartment has given me a large amount of time to think. And as a result, I have written some very real and important letters the past week or so…. Trying to solve problems, encourage good decisions, and be inspired by how great God is.

Now, I don’t profess to be a genius. Far from it, actually, but I keep hearing about situations where… I have to admit, I think to myself “Am I really THAT much smarter than you?” Now, some of you might think you know what I’m talking about, and for the others of you, I’d rather just keep it vague. But I keep coming across people who I really love, and admire at times, and respect, and then I hear about something they did, and I think, “What is the matter with you? You are smart, probably smarter than me, and yet you really screwed that up somehow!” [shakes head]. And I’m not talking about one specific instance, but rather a collection of them over the past few months. I guess what it comes down to though, is that [shrug], we’re all humans and make mistakes. And the instances that I’m talking about are all with 20-somethings… so we’re young and so we’re probably making more mistakes.

But I get stuck on that whole “we’re young” thing. Do we really make that many more mistakes than older adults? Or do we just care more about each other and our decisions now? Or do we just not hide our mistakes as well? [raises one eyebrow]. Interesting. That could be worth some more thought.

But I wonder, how much we do learn from our mistakes? And what does it take to learn from them? Like, in college… it took me a while to figure out that I had to spend more than the night before studying for a test if I wanted to actually pass it. Yet, it took me little time to figure out that I could sleep in until 15 min. before class and still make it on time and look presentable [hey, I didn’t look any worse than the other crazies that signed up for those early-ass classes]. Maybe it has to do with learning what we WANT to learn, and denying the situations that cramp what we want to do. That sux. Because although I can say I have an impeccable 20 minute [or less] morning routine that was created and perfected in college, there is a lot more to be said about how my future will be molded by the lessons I absorbed in class and by studying long nights for those tests. A lot more will stick with me and make an impression on my life from the lessons that took me longer to learn, and the lessons that I was perhaps, not as inclined to WANT to learn.

[Shrug], I don’t know. I’m searching for answers and reasons as to why because I want there to be some other reason why we’re stupid. I don’t want the answer to be “we’re human”…. Lame. But [shrug]…. Could be the only answer I might get.

So there's this rock.... and, oh I don't know a piece of marble, that's hard right?

So I’m trapped between these two sides. The side that says ‘Be smart, make good decisions, save your money and make sure the things your doing today are going to be positive for your tomorrows down the line”…. And then there’s this other side that says “Carpe the Diem! You must live for today and here and now. It’s okay to make mistakes, you are young and have a lot of time to make up for any bad decisions.”

The thing is, though, that I want both. I want the stable safe sound life that creates a good foundation for a family, a real career, an emotional network and whatever else. But I also have this craving inside me that keeps telling me there is more out there than this. The voice that tells me there are more plans for me than just where I am right now, and to follow those dreams and to pursue them wholeheartedly because if I don’t, I’ll never know whether I could have made it [a], and [b], what kinds of other things there are to learn and experience out there.

[Shrug], a lot of great things have come out of my life by living the carpe diem way. I think my first step was when I really depended on God to hook me up with what I needed when the fam moved down to Arkansas. And he did. I had to take a chance and show up to a bible study I knew only one girl at [and barely at that], but in the end, He lead me to this amazing group of girls who showed me that God was more in me than just in my bible and what I learned from them was/is immeasurable.

I took that chance when I chose the college I did. I didn’t know a soul, and although I don’t remember really giving it up to God, I know that he was totally in control and I felt peace with the fact that he was going to put the right people in my life. I didn’t think about the fact that I didn’t know anyone there, their program wasn’t going to send me straight to NYC, or that I would be paying them for the rest of my life. But it was the best decision for me without a doubt.

Then, while in college I took a total chance and signed up for the semester in London, where the two girls I was supposed to go with I only barely knew…. And that’s where I grew really close to Whit.

I mean, I look at those things in my life and think, “If I had never taken the chance and jumped off the cliff, I would be a totally different person.” Those defining moments in my life came when I jumped and didn’t stay in the safe place that I created for myself.

I have been thinking a lot about the future the past few days/weeks…. And [sigh]. I’m tired of thinking about it [shrug]. I need to figure out what is good for me and what I am meant to be doing, but I just don’t feel like it’s time yet or that I’m ready to figure out what the next year of my life is going to hold [shrug].

I want to seize the day and take advantage of the fact that I’m young and I can bounce back even if I make a bad decision. But then I’ve seen how empowering it is to have a strong emotional backup in friends and family. The support. So I waver from one side to the other and wonder what to do.

Not to mention, I think about my jump here to Indianapolis and my expectations for my experience here. I thought it would be no problem getting a job, and had full faith that God was going to bring something spectacular for me, and then I ended up at a chiropractic office after a month of unemployment. And I will absolutely attest to the part where God totally came through and provided a job that was perfect for me [in his own time], but I think to myself “Do I really want to go through that again [a]? and…Will there be another perfect opportunity for me like this one [b]?” And I find myself putting God in a box sorta, saying that He came through for me once, but I can’t really expect him to do it twice! And I know that’s wrong, because He DID do it once, where at one point I thought he had different plans for me this year, and he proved me wrong and gave me what I had been praying for and asking and wishing and dreaming for. Conundrum.

Honestly, I don’t think that I’ve absorbed all I am meant to absorb here. I don’t know what that means, or for how long that means, but I know that it’s what I feel at the moment. I also know, though, that I really want to take my hands and use them somehow to serve others. I don’t know how to do that like Whit and Neubia are doing it…. I can’t do it that way, I don’t have that sort of passion or talents. But I am a craftsman, and I want to work to show my love for people by building or doing for them.

So yeah, that rock and hard place crap…. That’s where I am. I’m praying about it though, and I know that God is awesome and will, in his own time reveal exactly where he wants me and when.

So I guess I’ll wait <><,

*maike rinaye*

Gas under $2....

So we have started a new tradition.... whenever we see that gas prices are under $2 we take a random road trip... which always ends up being fabulous [and by always I really mean the first and the second trips…but I’m looking forward to many to come….as long as the government co-operates]. Anyway, we spotted the cheap gas on Friday and decided that Sat. we would have to leave town. We took off to Michigan!

Ann Arbor. It was great. Fantastic freakin shops all over, beautiful city. Cold as freakin Alaska but wonderful nonetheless. We only stayed one night, but it was so worth it. I looked at a school up there at one point [okay, I only looked for like, a min. ‘cause Lord knows I am not one for the cold weather]. Anyway, it was a great town, and if it were located closer to the equator, just a bit, it would totally be on the “I should live here someday” list….. it might make it on that list anyway.

That’s all really. We rocked it out, Whit, Bobbie and I. It was a freakin blast. Can’t wait for the next fun trip…. St. Patrick’s day perhaps? Maybe in Chicago? We’ll see.

<><,
*maike rinaye*

Soo....

Rika and Kent are engaged! Exciting [smile]. I don't have any more pictures 'cause I've only met him once [after they were engaged but before Rika told me]. So... [shrug], more to come some day!

<><,
*maike rinaye*

Rika some more....and Kent

Rika's Engaged!

Pictures of her ring:

random comment.

So, I have noticed that people who get themselves into relationships stop blogging [nod]... and then randomly they decide that their blogging friends need to know where they have gone, so they post a "Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I've started dating a great girl/boy! He/She is really fantastic! blah, blah, blah...” [shakes head]. Weird. I’m totally not ever going to blog about a guy in that way. I don’t want my friends to find out about those kinds of things in my life because they happened to check my blog. No way, that’s ridiculous.

Other than that [smile], we have feng shui-d our living room and it’s great. And for those that haven’t heard…we got a fake fireplace from my boss [the photographer]. I guess he used it as a prop at some point. It’s pretty funny [smile], but it actually looks cool now; we have it plugged in and the fake embers glowing [laugh]. Ha ha ha…. It’s the small things in life, seriously.

AND, there’s this freaking brilliant mouse in our house! On Monday night I was sitting on the floor up against the couch and saw it race from the closet to the back of the refrigerator. Which of coarse alarmed me, so I jumped up onto the couch, which alarmed Neubia who jumped over to the stairs wanting to know what I saw and where it was [laugh]. But since she didn’t see it, and neither Whit or I could locate it with the flashlight, I thought maybe my mind was just playing tricks on me, so we didn’t do anything about it. But wouldn’t you know that I saw it again the next night, and then Neubia saw it race into under one of the stove burners!

So now we have three different traps set, right. The first night we put peanut butter on two of them, only to come downstairs to find the traps NOT set off, but the peanut butter gone! So last night we set it up with cheese on it, like squished in so that it would be difficult to get at…. [shakes head]. The smart mouse ate those too! What are three girls to do? Kevin [Whit’s step dad] told us we need to get some poison, but let’s be serious. If we poison the critter then he will crawl up in some hole and die and stink the place up until we find him, and that….[shiver] is gross and might require assistance from one of our guy friends.

Anyway, it’s cold here [like tonight it’s supposed to be 14 degrees!], but still no real snow [I’m jealous that Springfield got two snow days to play and relax. I know that I don’t really get snow days with my job, but it’d be great to see the snow and play in it, take some fun pictures and I hear there are some great sledding hills pretty close to us too.
Well, I think that’s all for now!

LOVE<><,
*maike rinaye*

Inside my head....hmm

November 29, 2006

So the past few days I have been in somewhat of a mood… some might say grumpy, some might say just mad, but I think I would call it more of a bitter mood, or disenchanted. And last night I did a lot of thinking about stuff, and mostly, I think my mood was a result of just realizing that we are all humans, and can never make all the right decisions, and never know completely 100% whether we’re doing the right thing or not.
And sure, this seems like a simple idea to grasp and whatnot, but I think…. Hmm…. This is hard to write out. I think that sometimes we have people that we really look up to, for example, for me right now one group is Godly men. I find these great guy friends who serve the Lord to be attractive in almost every area and I root for them to find great things: a great job, successful fulfilling career, a fantastic relationship with Jesus, a great Godly woman to hook up with [and I enjoy it even more if it’s one of my friends]. The problem is, however, that because I’ve tagged them as “Godly men”, I have high expectations of them first of all, and second of all, I put them on an inhuman pedestal where I am blind to their faults. This is where the being bitter that we’re all human part comes in.
And I don’t just do this with guys, it happens with my female friends too. But it’s just sort of a crash when you realize that we are all humans, and no matter how close we are to God, we’re still sinners and are still going to screw things up somehow.
I am frustrated right now. I wish that I knew all things…shoot, not even all things. I would settle for just a few simple instructions for that whole “this is who you should talk to and who you should let know about what you are thinking and feeling”. I feel like generally that’s what I want to do, work out the problems be honest and upfront. But lately, it’s become more of the question: is it worth it? You know, is this person going to be responsive to me making an issue about this or that, and are they going to listen to what I say, are they going to think about it, are they actually going to be able to talk about it with me? Or are they going to be that person who might listen to you but has nothing to say because they think that they are right and should not have to defend themselves or their actions. Bleh. Puke on those people. And then the whole thing about how many times do you approach someone about the same issues? [shakes head]. Sheesh. Are you confused yet? I might be.
Anyway, there are just a lot of ideas floating around in my head at the moment, and I’m slowly but surely making sense of most of them. I think sometimes, because of the neighborhood that we live in and the things that we have experienced and seen these last few months, I sort of view Springfield as the good place where nothing bad happens, and the friends I have there/made there are great Godly people who are living right. When in reality, Springfield is just another town with as much sin as this one. We see different aspects of it, sure…. But sinful, unholy and human just the same…. [sigh]. Man, all this talk makes me think that heaven is going to be pretty freakin awesome [smile].
So I think that’s it for tonight. I have somewhat of a story to share…. But I’m still forming it…. It might be a long one, ‘cause it’s hard to explain everything that goes with it [physically, factually and emotionally]. But hopefully when I get it up here it will be good.

<><,
*maike rinaye*

Thanksgiving....

So, recap of the last few significant events in my life:

*got a great job, which I absolutely love [well, perhaps ‘absolute’ is a bit of a strong word, ‘cause there are definitely elements that I fight with….but for the majority of the time, I really love it].

*took a random “gas-is-under-$2” trip to St. Louis!

*continued our Thursday night dinner and salsa dancing trend.

*had a fantastic Thanksgiving feast with the Indy folks [we all cooked stuff from scratch: cornbread, creamed green beans, mashed potatoes, pumpkin bread, noodle salad stuff….and turkey of course!].

*drove to St. Louis/Springfield/Branson for Thanksgiving break! [Neubia had never been to St. Louis so we did the arch, and the loop….good times:].

*salsa’d in Springfield at our favorite ghetto bar [which is finally getting a new dance floor this month!].

*experienced the X-mas in Branson…. X-mas lights, shopping, a show and all! [also a first for Neubia].

On the drive back to Indy I was thinking about how I was excited about coming back to Indy…. But it’s more than coming back to a city that I like, or people that I like, or a home…. It’s more of coming back to MY life. Ya know? And I love visiting parts of my past, whether that’s in Marshall, Arkansas, Springfield or New Mexico….. [shrug]…. I absolutely love traveling. But there is something to say about coming back to my life and my routines, and freedom [nod].

I really did have a great week. It made me wish that I had all the important people closer to me…. specifically in the same city that I’m living… [smile]… but I guess that’s the deal, right? If you want adventure, you can’t likely pull everyone through it with you.

More to come later, I promise…. I’m in a writing kind of mood.

<><,
*maike rinaye*

Sweet Action

Guess who's working at a photo studio starting tomorow? Yeah! I sure did get the job, how exciting is that. I'll be working in the productions room to start with, and learning a lot, a lot a lot...which is way exciting. How awesome?! I am expected to enter photo competitions, and expected to go on the weekend retreat things in other cities to hear speakers talk about everything photographic. I still can't believe it's real. I have lunch with them tomorow to talk about all the details and then I start working in the afternoon [grin].

Crazy.

<><,
*maike rinaye*

God's timing is, hmm, not quite insync with mine.

Oh my gosh… okay, so we’ve all wanted something at some point in our lives, right…. Of course we have. Well, then there’s the moments, when you want something, you go after it with all you’ve got and….well, God laughs in your face and basically says ‘no, that’s not really what I have in mind’ [rolls eyes]. So I blogged about the whole coming to Indy and being shot down about the photography thing, but knowing that God had something bigger planned out for me.

Well, then I got the job at the chiropractic office, which at the time I thought was right on and something I could definitely do for a year to pay the bills. And the very first time I met with my current boss, she told me about a photographer who was a patient of theirs, and if I wanted to, she would drop off my portfolio and my resume and put in a good word for me. Well, I obviously took her up on it, and now, 4 weeks later she has finally dropped off my portfolio and my resume…… And they called me on Tuesday to see if I could come in for an interview!…..yeah….I’m pretty sure my heart stopped beating when I heard the message.

Anyway, we met this morning….and I want this job so bad…. So bad. I would have access to the studio [which is huge!], but it seems like my job would be mostly in multi-tasking and sending out orders, getting photographs ready for clients, and digitally editing images. I want it so so bad…and they could tell [smile]. They [there were three of them interviewing me-sorta], at one point, asked if I had digital images from the weddings I shot, and I said I did….and that I actually thought about bringing my laptop in, just in case…but decided against it because I didn’t want to seem to eager. Which the one man then said “But you are eager, right. I can see it. You want this job so bad!”….and I was like “Yeah, you’re right…I’m not going to lie. I do”…and then he asked me to tell them how much I wanted this job… and I should have been able to come up with a better answer for them, because there are so many reasons….so so many reasons. But I said that words can’t even begin to describe how much I would love to work for them.

Which brought us around to what days I could work, which I then sighed and said that that was the only sticky part of it. Because I have a prior commitment to the Chiropractic office, and when hiring me my boss explained that she was a bit hesitant because she didn’t want me to get up and quit after working there for three months, because I had a better job offer. And so I assured her that if they hired me it would be the end of my job searching. I said I couldn’t promise anything after a year. And I was for real. I haven’t done any more searching. But now, this studio has contacted me and [sigh]…yeah, what now?! So anyway, I explained to my interviewers the situation, and the main photographer basically said that it would be taken care of, and that they’d be able to smooth things over with the Chiropractic office [and I wonder what I looked like, ‘cause I could have cried…seriously].

So now I’m waiting, and praying that I’m what they want and that they’ll hire me and that I’ll really be able to be a part of something. I was thinking about it, and….if I was hired, I could stay in Indy for longer than the year. Yeah, with a job that I love…. That provided me with the kind of opportunities that I think this studio will….absolutely. There are a lot of things that are important to me, but this, this would be so incredible.

Anyway, your prayers are welcomed. And I thank you for them. Dear God, please let me get this job…please, please, please……[fingers crossed]. I know that things are in your control, and so I trust that you will put me where I’m meant to be.

<><.
*maike rinaye*